Luther and Caroline Reynolds

I'm not sure how many people who read my blog have met this couple. But I wanted to highlight and introduce them because they are worthy of much honor and thanks. The morning ofter we moved into our home they were on our doorstep to introduce themselves and welcome us. Luther And Caroline are our neighbors and have 2 children, Luke (11) and Grace (9). Since that day they have been nothing short of amazing neighbors. Best of all, they love the Lord! They have served us, cared for us and loved our girlies like they were their own.

Luther is a captain in the Montgomery County police. The Lord knew all this and placed them right next door to us and they have been with us every step of the way in this trial. On the tragic night that Alivia passed, Luther and Caroline where here in an instant. Caroline held me and Luther was by Dave's side helping as the Paramedics arrived. Honestly, that night is like a nightmare for me that I continually want to wake up from, but them being here was a tangible expression of God's love for us. No one, not even our family or dearest friends could have been here with us as fast as they were. After the ambulance left Luther knelt down, with Caroline still holding me, and prayed over us, crying out to God on our behalf. Then, he drove us to the hospital while Caroline stayed here with the girls. Luther stayed with us at the hospital all night long. All the next week, he stopped in countless times at the Lees to see us. Caroline even worked in coming over amidst her busy schedule of caring for her kids. Our other friends quickly fell in love with them and talked non stop about the Reynolds. They are, simply, amazing people!

During those 2 weeks after, Caroline took good care of everyone working on our house, bringing food over and checking in (to make sure that everyone in our home was supposed to be here ;o). On top of that, they took on the responsibility of making the neighbors aware of what happened. They also took donations to have a crew come in 3 times to clear our yard of all the leaves (if you know our yard, you know that is A LOT of leaves).

Since coming home, they have continued to care for us by calling, checking in, having us for dinner, and simply being the best neighbors anyone could ever ask for.

Luther and Caroline, thanks for the way you have served us. We talk of you often and give thanks to God for the blessing you have been and continue to be to our family. Thanks for opening up your lives and inviting us in. We are so grateful. Every Sunday, as I have sat to write a post thanking friends, I am left speechless and at a loss for words. Today is no different. You both have ministered to us and have been a means of grace in a way that has made it hard to believe that we have only known you a brief time. It's a joy to know your family and we hope to have many more months and years ahead to do life with you all.

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Rest

I've added some more songs to my playlist. I switched the player I was using as the other one did not have some of the key songs that have been particularly helpful to me. Enjoy!

Today was a mix of emotions for me. I've gone from extreme sadness and crying to anger toward my dear husband, to experiencing peace and joy in my heart. Dave and I got some time out today and I was, once again, inundated with a confusion of emotions with the reminder of Christmas all around me. One minute I want nothing to do with the "Christmas Spirit" and feeling intense grief, to the next moment feeling as if I missed out on Christmas this year and that my girlies did not get to make the memories they should have (more on Christmas in an upcoming post). On top of that is the longing and desire for another baby that I find myself praying for all throughout the day...and the empty feeling in my arms.

But, at the end of this day, one thing is clear in my mind...I am a sinner and I desperately need a Savior. And that, my greatest need, has been met through my Savior, Jesus. As I sit here, in tears, I can't even begin to process all my thoughts and emotions or make sense of almost anything going on in my life right now. But, with my mind in all sorts of directions tonight, I am going to bed reminding myself of the truth of who my Savior is and what He has accomplished for me in my mind. In that I find rest.

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Food...

The food has been truly fantastic! Just wanted to hop in here and say "Thank you!" for the way that you all have served my family with the food preparation. It happened more than once--but especially the first time--I was floored to open our front door and receive a meal from someone I was meeting for the first time...as I received the food from their hand! God's church, our truest and eternal family, is a wondrous thing.

Can you imagine me looking you in the eye as I tell you that you are serving us very significantly through the meal that you prepare and bring? So grateful.

...and it has been so yummy.

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Helpful truths

During this grieving process, I have at times struggled with the question of whether what has happened was the correction of the Lord. I have thought back to months previous, trying to figure out if there was sin in my life or whether I was not pursuing the Lord as I should have. This past year has proved to be the most busy and trying times of my life. We moved twice (once to my moms and then to our current home), had a challenging buying process, I was pregnant and then was trying to get settled before baby came. I remember in my last trimester feeling that my devotions were dry. I was having times with the Lord daily, but felt distracted. So, since Alivia passed, I have wondered if this was the Lord's way of getting my attention back or because I was not pursuing him like I should have been or even if my sin had anything to do with all this. It was a painful question in my mind.

Two nights ago Dave and I were in bed and he was reading to me from his favorite book right now, Children of the Living God. It's a book about our adoption into Christ's family and God as our Father. I have yet to read it, but look forward to doing so. Honestly, I was tired and I was not taking in as much as I would have liked, despite how hard I was trying to concentrate. However, Dave said something to me that so served me soul. He said, "God, as our Father, would not correct us for something if we didn't know why He was correcting us." I immediately thought to my own life, and how I would never discipline my girls if they were not clear on why. And, if that is the case with me, being a sinner, how much more is that truth relevant of God. He is merciful. I was able to rest that night, knowing that if ever a trial was God's correction in my life, I would know why...there would not be painful questions in my mind.

Dave also reminded me of Job and how Scripture talks about him as a man who "was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil" (Job 1:1). Yet, he faced severe trials.

Joe Lee reminded me a few weeks ago that thinking we can control events like this, makes us out to be more powerful and bigger than God. No, God is the one in control and He is the one ordering all events in our lives for our good, despite how painful and hard they may be.

These truths have helped put those questions to rest and have helped bring peace to my soul.

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Provision

I am learning, in a whole new way, about God's provision for all of our needs. And that I don't need to strive, be anxious, or think ahead to obtain His provision...it's promised and it is available to me. I started to think about this today, after Dave had a friend show up for lunch. After he came, I mentioned to Dave that I would get them some lunch. But I was not sure what I was going to give them. All I knew I had was peanut butter and jelly. I opened up the fridge and my mind was racing with what I could quickly come up with. There on the bottom shelf was a long cold-cut sub that was left over from the wood splitting event we had here on Saturday. Perfect! A few cut up apples and there I had lunch for both of them. As I sat down to eat with my sister, I started to think about how God has provided like this in countless ways. I am usually a big planner and like to think ahead and have everything worked out in my mind before it actually happens. I think I had come to rely on this for provision. I am all for planning, etc. and think it is a huge means of grace, but it's not for me to rely on.

These days, I am not thinking beyond my next 5 minutes, and yet when a need arises I am seeing God's provision. Some examples:

*We have had friends come over for dinner, even when I was not sure what kind of meal was coming or how much...it turns out the meal brought was enough for everyone here.
*I needed to do a little more Christmas shopping, but hadn't even thought through when to go or what to get...a friend shows up to take me out.
*Dave had to go away on a business trip...the Averills were free and came over to stay the night here with me.
*The holiday season has proven to be very difficult for me...my mom offers to use her last bit of vacation time to spend some time with me and help with the girls.
*I have been functioning at about 10% lately and have needed so much help with the girls and the basics of life...Dave has stepped up and seems is doing about 200% of what he usually does and with much less sleep.

On and on I could share of my numerous needs and how God's provision has met me. Often I am not even aware of the need until God's provision has already met it. This is the kind of God I serve and He is mighty and merciful. This provides hope and peace for the future. I can be tempted to think ahead and wonder what I will do about this or that. This can lead me to strive or think about what I need to do. However, I am coming to realize that the Lord already knows those needs and already has provision waiting for when the time of need arrives. I have always "known" these truths, but I think I am coming to believe them in a more real way. My fears and anxieties can be put to rest, provision is at hand.

Matthew 6:8 "...for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

Philippians 4:19 "And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Isaiah 25:4 "For you have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat..."

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More baby steps

They actually have felt like giant steps, but I am experiencing grace nonetheless. Over the last few days I have been thinking about the past 6 weeks a lot...and at times wondering how I ever got through the initial days. It magnifies grace in my eyes because it has been pure grace and strength from above. I am weak...very weak.

I continue to be very forgetful, have moments of intense crying and often lack motivation to do just about anything. However, we are making progress by taking more steps, and seeing us being carried by our Savior.

*This past weekend we kept our tradition in going to cut down a Christmas tree. I really did not want to go, but knew I needed to. Again, grace carried me. We got a small little one this year, so that decorating would be simple.
*On Saturday, with the help of my sister, I was able to pull out a few decorations. I cut some of the wonderful boxwood and holly we have in our yard and used that to add simple Christmas color to a few rooms.
*Dave went on his first business trip around 4am yesterday morning. It is the first time we have been apart for 2 days and, more challenging, for a night. Selah was up a good part of Sunday night with a very severe ear infection (her 3rd in 6 weeks). Waking up in the middle of the night is hard for me as it is a painful reminder that I no longer have my baby girl to wake up for. However, the Lord helped me. Yesterday, Selah had periods of intense screaming and was inconsolable. However, I was very aware of grace in that I seemed numb to all going on around me and my circumstances...I only cried once yesterday. I woke up this morning and realized the Lord had carried me through a whole day and night without Dave and caring for a sick little girl - a huge baby step for me.

I have been reading a particular page in Beside Still Waters for a number of days now...I can't seem to get beyond it. It has helped me through the past week, facing a number of difficult "baby steps." I have spent time crying over it as well as praying through it.

Call Upon Me - Psalm 50:15

Spurgeon writes, "Oh Lord, You see how great my trouble is! It is heavy. I cannot carry it, and I cannot get rid of it. It follows me to bed, and it will not let me sleep. When I rise, it is still with me. I cannot shake it off. My trouble is unusual. Few are as afflicted as I am. Please give me extraordinary help, for my trouble is crushing. If you do not help, I will soon be broken! This is good reasoning and good pleading.

Turn your adversity to advantage. Go to the Lord this moment and say, 'Lord, do you not hear me? You have commanded me to pray. I, though I am evil, would not tell anyone to ask me for something unless I intended to honor their request. I would not urge them to ask for help if I meant to refuse it.'

When God tells you to call on Him, He will deal compassionately with you. You are not urged to pray in the hour of trouble to experience deeper disappointment. God knows that you have trouble enough without the added burden of unanswered prayer. The Lord will not unnecessarily add even a quarter of an ounce to your burden. When He tells you to call on Him, you may call on Him without fear of failure.

So plead the time, please the trouble, plead the command, and then plead with God. Speak reverently, but with belief, 'Lord, it is You Yourself to whom I appeal. You said, "Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you" (Ps. 50:15). So, Lord, by Your truth, by Your faithfulness, by Your immutability, and by Your love, I, a poor sinner, heartbroken and crushed, call on You in the day of trouble. Help me. Help me soon, or else I die.'

If I were in trouble, I would pray like David, Elijah, or Daniel in the power of this promise, 'Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.' "

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Joe and Esther Lee

Our forever friends! Joe and Esther have proven themselves the most faithful of friends for the years we have known them, and particularly over the past number of weeks. I still remember the very day I met Esther and have some incredible memories of being her friend. I can honestly say that she has been one of the best and most loyal friends I have ever had.

From the very moment we started the grieving process, Joe and Esther have been by our side. They welcomed us into their home for almost 2 weeks, gave us their room to stay in, cared for us, cooked for us and ministered love toward us the entire time. Not only us, but they hosted all the people who came to see and spend time with us. Almost every night they sat with us, allowing us to process with them, counseling us and offering hope to our hearts...and when they could not be with us, they arranged and made sure someone was.

It would be impossible for me to share all the ways they so effectively and tirelessly cared for us, nor do I think I know. But let me tell you...they put in some serious hours, waking up early in the morning and staying up with us till late at night. To say that they were by our side for 2 whole weeks is no exaggeration...they were literally, "by our side."

It is late, I'm very tired and don't think I am doing an adequate job honoring these friends. Or maybe it's because there are not words to communicate the level of gratefulness we have for them.

Joe and Esther, it seems like a daunting task to effectively honor you. My mind is racing with all the ways you have cared for us and our family...I could write a book. But I hope, in some way, you feel the pleasure of our Lord because I do believe he is well pleased with you. Thank you for the countless...and I mean countless ways you have laid down your lives for us and the gospel. We love you so much!

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Splitting

A number of Dave's friends came over today to help him split wood. We had about 6 or 7 huge trees taken down on our property over the summer and Dave has not had the time to do it all himself. We recently had a wood stove insert put in our fireplace to utilize all this wood we have. But we first need to split it.

7 guys showed up this morning at 8am to serve us. I was, once again, simply amazed by the people who continue to serve us. I spent a good part of my morning looking out the window watching them, trying to process the fact that these guys were giving up half of their Saturday to come out in the freezing cold to labor for us...heroic servants! I significantly felt the care and grace of our Lord through them. Who would have ever thought that God would use the task of splitting wood to remind me that His grace is sufficient for all of our needs.

Thank you Bryan for the idea to do this and for organizing the day. Thank you Travis for helping organize, for arranging the pick up and rental of the splitter and giving of your time, once again, to serve us. Thank you Solomon (and Evan), Sam, Brandon, Mark, Gabe and Jamie for helping today. Thank you Kelly for lugging all the kids over to be with me this morning. I know you have had a very hard couple of weeks, with you and the kids being sick. Yet you have continued to serve me non-stop, constantly offering to do things, today being just an example. Mark and Kel, you continue to be my heros. They were both here with us last night until 11pm and then today again. Mark came (after just getting over being sick) and stayed until 4:30pm to help Dave get almost every log split.

All of you are amazing servants!

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Happy Birthday, Dave!

Apart from my Savior, there is no one I know who is more worthy of my honor and respect, than my husband, Dave. Today we are celebrating his birthday. Amidst all we have been walking through, I think many have probably forgotten. But he is as joyful as ever today.

Over the past number of weeks, I have become freshly aware of how blessed I am to be married to this man. He has comforted me, cried with me, cared for me, and reminded me over and over again of our Savior's goodness, control over our lives, and His working in all things for our benefit.

Our girls have been waking up countless times during the night. Dave has been the one getting up with them, caring for their needs. In the morning he gets up, without complaining, and sets about his tasks. In the midst of caring for his family, he has also been working hard every day, seeking to provide for us and honor our Lord.

I have seen so much grace in his life and wanted to honor him today for the husband, father and friend that I know him to be...

Dave, you are the love of my life and am giving thanks to God for you today. I feel like my words will never be adequate to express my heart. But I pray that the Lord encourages you with the knowledge that He sees, He knows and He will richly bless you for your sacrifices and love for your wife and girlies. I love you so much!

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I desperately need the gospel

Today has been a challenging day. I have been reminded, through a number of circumstances, just how slow I am at almost anything I do. My mind is slow, my body is slow, my responses are slow. It is very humbling for me. I am used to thriving on a schedule and a to-do list. But as of late, even life's most basic tasks I can easily forget to do or can take me all day to accomplish. Simple decisions seem like monumental tasks for me. Hence, I am slow to return phone calls, answer emails or respond when someone asks me a question....my mind doesn't seem to process and think the way it used to...and I can be left tempted to frustration. I don't know what to do tonight or what I want to do this weekend. I can't seem to think through what I should give my family for dinner tonight (even if there are leftovers in the fridge from the wonderful meals we have received). From what I hear, this is normal for me right now and part of the grieving process.

Simply put, I am realizing like never before, that there really is only grace for me for the next 5 minutes of my life and I desperately need the gospel. I am going to forget, make mistakes and do things I probably should not and forget to do things I should. I need a Savior and He is my righteousness. That reminder brings hope to my weak soul.

I am so incredibly grateful for the continued emails and phone calls we receive. If the Lord continues to place those things on your heart to do, please don't stop. They so serve me. But if I am slow to respond, or if you don't hear from me at all, know that you are serving me beyond your understanding, even if I can't tell you personally. I am aware that I will never be able to communicate how grateful I am to the hundreds who have rallied around us in this season...but I am going to spend my life trying!

Philippians 3:7-10 "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death."

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Rest

The Lord met me in numerous ways today. There was grace from above and I experienced a rest in my soul from many of my fears. I felt the prayers of others.

A few people sent me some quotes and scriptures that helped direct my focus on the Lord and away from the uncertainties all around me.

Some of the ways the Lord has proved faithful and sufficient over the last 24 hours:

*Joe and Esther Lee - they sat down with us for over 2 hours last night, talked, answered questions and drew us out. I went with my stomach in knots and my head spinning. I left in a place of peace and slept through the night.
*I woke up with a few emails in my inbox that were full of truth and helped me to rest in the Lord today.
*My mom - she has been staying overnight at our house. She has been taking the girls in the morning so Dave and I can get some extra sleep. On top of that, she has only been working 1/2 days lately so she can be with me in the mornings. Today she helped me clean a bit...
*Michelle DeCarlo came over and spent the entire day with me. She has come one day a week, bringing food to make lunch for everyone and just being here with me to serve in anyway she can. Today she helped me go through all my Christmas presents and begin wrapping them. That was a huge step for me.
*With the help of many others, I was able to throw a surprise birthday party for Dave tonight. Yesterday I wasn't sure how I was going to get things together for it...and I didn't even have much to do. But there was grace in abundance and Dave was surprised! It was so good to see him laugh and have fun with friends.

From Beside Still Waters:

Do Not Fear - Zephaniah 3:16

"What? Not even a little?"
"No, do not fear."
"Surely I may show some measure of fear?"
"No, do not fear."

Tie this knot tight around the throat of unbelief: "Do not fear." "Do not
fear" today. "Do not fear" tomorrow. "Do not fear" any day of your life.
When fear comes, drive it away and give it no space.

When the weather is rough, passengers on a ship can be comforted by the
captain's calm behavior. One simple-minded soul said, "I am sure there is
no cause to fear, for I heard the captain whistling." Surely if the captain
is at ease, the passengers can be at peace. If the Lord Jesus is at the
helm singing, do not fear. "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him"
(Ps.37:7). "Be strong, do not fear! Behold, our God will come with
vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you"
(Is.35:4).

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Fear

Fear has always been a struggle for me, but as of late, the temptation has only increased. It's a daily battle for me. Today, especially, my mind has been going in all different directions, faced every moment with fears for today and fears of the future.

I look around and find my heart desperate for a break or way of escape from the hurt, fear, and anxiety I feel. Yet, I find nothing. Sleep is hard, eating has become a chore and my thoughts and memories seem to be an enemy. Every bit of life is a battle for joy right now.

Yet, even in the midst of all this confusion and pain I know there is a way of escape for my desperate soul. Although I may not "feel" it, the Lord and His Word are my shelter from the storm.

The following verse came to mind today and has served me:

Psalm 94:19
When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.

A friend sent me some scriptures the other day on fear. These also have helped me turn my gaze from all going around me to the One who knows my weak heart and has promised to help.

Psalm 34: 4

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that by

the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Isaiah 12:2-4
Behold, God is my salvation. I will trust, and will not be afraid;
for the Lord God is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.
With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation.

Isaiah 26:3
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you
because he trusts in you.

Isaiah 35: 4
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
'Be strong, fear not! Behold, your God
will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you.'

Isaiah 43: 1
But now says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name,
you are mine."

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Ploon Blog

Most people who read my blog probably also read my sister's, Kelly Plunnecke. But in case not, I wanted to highlight it. She has written some excellent posts over the past few weeks, that have really ministered to me. They express her wrestle with grief and her fight for joy amidst hard circumstances. If you have not read it, I encourage you to do so.
I have a link on the right, but you can also click here.

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Travis and Jonalee Earles

Today it has been 5 weeks since we lost our little one...the same amount of time that I had her and held her in my arms. It's a hard thought for me to process; the pain seems to increase with each passing day. And it's a day like today, when I have been more aware of postpartum hair loss kicking in and looking in the mirror and feeling like I have been aged by about 20 years through this, that I am reminded I need to give thanks.

Thankfulness is good for my soul. It doesn't minimize the pain or hurt in my heart, but I think in some way, it enables me to better glorify God. I don't need to think long or look far to realize HOW MUCH the Lord has done for us and used the lives of others to bless, serve and care for us.

Even now, amidst so many thoughts racing in my head, I look around my home and think of Travis and Jonalee Earles. I am aware that no one except our Lord knows how many hours they have served us. Dave and I go way back with Travis and Jonalee. However, over the past few years we have not really been in the same circle of friends. Once all this happened, they stepped in and gave of themselves in countless ways.

Jonalee was one of the ladies who headed up the work done on our house - she brainstormed, shopped, sewed, and used her gifts to put in hours of service for us. I don't even know all she did, but as the days go on I am learning more and more and am simply amazed. Travis was right beside her moving furniture, painting, putting up curtain rods, lights and, likewise, investing so much time.

Since we came home, they both have been over to minister, care for us and talk with us. The day we found out that Dave's grandfather had passed, Travis was here that very night to spent time with Dave. Jonalee has continued to serve by taking pictures for us, and helping me get them developed.

Trav and Jonalee - what friends you are! We are left more amazed at the gospel and of God's care because of you both. You have been a picture of the church in action. Thanks for demonstrating to a watching world and to us, your love for the Savior and your passion to give your lives away to see Him glorified. We are so grateful!

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Pink crocs

I have always loved pink, but now I think I can say it's my favorite color. Whenever I see it, I remember my little girl. I dressed Alivia in it almost every day. A few weeks ago, I was at the mall and saw a pair of winter PINK crocs. They had this cozy white lining inside and were so comfortable. Right away I knew I wanted to get them in honor and remembrance of Alivia. My sister and Esther, who were with me, heard me say that and also got a pair. I was incredibly blessed by that. The best part is that the store also had the same matching crocs in kid sizes. So, Mckenna, Selah and I have matching pink crocs. I love it!

I wanted to get some pictures of us girlies in our matching crocs. Jonalee came last Saturday to serve us. Thanks, friend!

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Signs of life

Julie Purswell told me something a long time ago. Over the past few weeks I have been reminded of her words to me. And I have come to cherish the meaning of them more than ever before. She said to me, "messes are signs of life." How true that is. When the house is a mess, toys are everywhere, the floors are dirty and old, stale sandwiches are still lining the table hours after lunchtime, that truth is one, that if embraced, will bring perspective back to anyone's day.

I have come to appreciate messes, screams and all signs of life like never before. In fact, a number of days ago I noticed hand prints on my kitchen sliding glass door. In the past, it would have been common for me to grab for the cleaner and a rag to clean it off. However, it's now been over a week and every time I see them, I smile and am reminded of my little Selah Grace. I haven't yet been able to clean the window. Those signs of life are precious to me.

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Entrusted, but not in control

Yesterday marked a full month since our little girl went to be with Jesus. It was a difficult day. But it was also my big girl's birthday, which was a blessing. It was a day of mixed emotion, to say the least.

Nights are particularly hard for me and last night especially. Most people we could think of were busy and, at one point, I told Dave I needed to leave and just go for a drive. So, that's what we did. My mom and sister were here to stay with the girls and we headed up 124. Dave continued to text and make calls to see if anyone was free. Once again God provided. The Ellis' and Apolenis' simultaneously got back to Dave saying to come over. They just happen to live a few doors down from each other. We ended up at the Apolenis home. We later found out that they had family staying with them for 10 days and everyone had just left. Christine was obviously exhausted and feeling sick (she is in her first trimester of pregnancy), but you would have never known! We were welcomed with open arms. Sam Ellis walked down about 30 minutes later with fresh pumpkin bread that Priscila had just made. They all talked with us, allowed us to share, laughed with us and prayed for us.

At one point in the evening Joe said something that really ministered to my heart. We were talking about the blessing of children and he said, "we are entrusted, but we are not in control." I keep thinking about what he said and have pondered on the truth of that statement. For me, it's a sobering, yet releasing thought...that God would entrust us with the lives of children - to parent, train and love. It is an incredible privilege. It is also a huge responsibility that one day we will give account for. That should motivate me to put all my heart and strength to the task of mothering my girls. However, ultimately the Lord is completely in control of our children's lives and their destinies. He holds their precious souls in His hands and He can be trusted. So, what does that mean for me? I am released from the need to worry, fear or feel that something I do or don't do can somehow control the future. My God is great...greater than my thoughts, my plans, my endeavors, my hopes, my dreams, even my best efforts. And this God, He is worthy of my trust in Him.

May He strengthen my heart to allow me to trust Him in a way that honors and glorifies His great gospel. He is in control...and He is good.

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Happy Birthday, Mckenna!

Mckenna turns 5 years old today! It's so hard for me to believe. But this year I am more grateful than ever for the gift of life that she is to us. She has brought so much joy to her mamma and I am giving thanks to God for her. She continues to make me laugh and warm my heart with her cute little sayings and her zeal for life.

Mckenna, thanks for blessing your mamma with 5 wonderful years of hugs, cuddles, kisses and laughes. Thanks for being a means of showing me greater dependence on the Lord and His Word. I love you so. Happy Birthday!

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Deep waters

We just got word a few hours ago that Dave's grandfather, who he was very close to, died last night. I feel my desperate need for sustaining grace and strength as we continue to walk through these deep waters.

The thought of walking through another funeral right now, seems overwhelming to me. But I continue to remind myself that there is grace for just today. As soon as I found out, the song, How Firm a Foundation popped right into my mind, particularly the 3rd verse. I know it was the Lord impressing it on my heart that He is near, He is able, and He is good.

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
is laid for your faith in his excellent word!
What more can he say than to you he hath said,
to you that for refuge to Jesus have fled?

"Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed!
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
the rivers of woe shall not thee overflow;
for I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
and sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

"When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
my grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
the flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

"The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
that soul, though all hell shall endeavor to shake,
I'll never, no, never, no, never forsake."

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Brandon and Annie Averill

If ever I have felt more inadequate to say thanks to people it has been the past few weeks. We have been so effectively cared for and served. I hope to highlight some of those people in the coming days and point out their sacrifices for us and evident love for the Savior.

Brandon and Annie

They are a couple in our care group who has demonstrated amazing care for us. About 2 weeks ago, when we came home, they started offering to come over and spend some evenings here with us. I think at one point they came 3 nights in a row, eating dinner with us, helping with the girls and cooking for us. Seeing that it helps us to have people here at night, they offered to come and stay a few nights...those few nights turned into a whole week. So, for the past week, they have stayed here and made our home their home. They have bought us food, cooked or us, gotten up early with the girls, cared for our souls, laughed with us, cried with us, and I could go on and on.

I have been drinking tea tons these days and last week I ruined my tea kettle. Annie happened to notice and came home the next day with a brand new one. They have come through the door in the evenings with bags of groceries. They spent Thanksgiving with us and were willing to give up all their plans to serve us. These are just a few of the ways they have blessed us. Today they left and it was very bittersweet. I know we will be going through Averill withdrawal for a number of days.

Brandon and Annie - I know my thanks will always seem inadequate to communicate my heart. But you both have gone above and beyond expectation. All I can think to say is that your care for us has expressed, in a tangible way, the love of the Savior and the reality of His promises, that He will provide for all of our needs. Having people here is a huge means of grace; the Lord knew and He provided. So grateful for you both!

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An Anchor

I didn't post yesterday...it was a very hard day and grief seemed to sweep over me all too often. Life seemed very surreal. On a day when it seemed the whole world around me was carefree and for everyone celebration came so easy, it was a fight of faith to just hold my head up. But, I know that is ok....it's normal despite how incredibly hard it is. Yet, in the midst of it all, I was thankful - thankful for my Savior, thankful for grace and mercy, thankful for friends and family.

I read the following quote the other day, and took time to ponder this anchor that I have. The quote adequately describes my grief. I thought of a ship with it's anchor in the sea. Although the wind might seek to blow the ship and move it from it's place, the anchor holds it still. How grateful I am that I have an anchor for my soul...it's the hope my Savior has provided. He is holding me still amidst the wind of this trial that would seek to run me off course.

From Grief to Glory, pg. 56:

"Real grief is not easily comforted. It comes like ocean waves rushing up the sand, subsiding back, only to roll in again. These waves vary in size, frequency, and intensity. Some are small, lapping up around the feet. Others are stronger; they foam the water around you and cause you to stagger. Then there are the overwhelming waves with an undertow that can turn your world upside down and drag you out into the deep water. In times such as those, the mourner desperately needs an anchor. And, indeed, God has promised His people a blessing if they patiently endure. He has guaranteed the promise so that we might lay hold of the hope set before us. This hope is the anchor of the soul, and it is sure and steadfast (Heb. 6:19)."

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We'll always remember

I am so grateful for pictures. For those who do not know, a good number of these pictures were taken one or two days before Alivia met Jesus. This is the slide show from the memorial service. I must thank Megan Russell, who did an amazing job editing all my pictures and Kristen Snyder who put together this slide show. Just a note, pause the playlist on the right of my blog before pressing play on the slide show.

These pictures are a gift from the Lord that will help me more fully remember my little one. And, although I often have a very hard time looking at them, I treasure them with all my heart.

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Music

I have grown to a greater appreciation for music these days. In fact, I play songs on my ipod (Dave rigged up his old speakers to my ipod) almost all day long. Jon Smith put about 40 songs on my ipod for me...ones that he thought would minister and serve me...and they so have. I wanted to be able to share some of the ones that have been my favorites as of late. These songs keep me focused on the Cross, provide necessary perspective, and have even helped me grieve well.

For those who know me well, know that I am no techy. I often have a hard time figuring out the simplest thing on my computer. Anyway, Mark Plunnecke (the best brother-in-law in the world) served me by putting some of these particular songs on my blog. Thanks, Mark and Kel. You both continue to amaze me by your care.

Pleases listen to the words and join me in praising our Lord and being amazed at the saving work of our Savior.

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Baby steps

From the beginning, Jenni has encouraged me to focus on taking simple baby steps. What that means is focusing and relying on grace for just the next minute or 5 minutes...and only doing small things. There are times I am not sure I can even get out of a chair to go get one of the girls a drink, change Selah's diaper, or even think about making a decision. BUT, in those times I need to remind myself, "Baby steps, Heather, baby steps...there is grace to get this drink or change that diaper." And I find that as I do, grace meets me, strengthens my weak body and soul and enables me to take that baby step. It is more challenging and harder than I could ever have imagined...yet I know and am experiencing grace to be greater.

So, some of the baby steps I can give thanks to God for include:
*making breakfast for my family
*doing dishes
*cleaning my bathroom
*going to church
*tucking my girls into bed
*laughing with friends

Some even harder ones:
*being able to hold some of Alivia's clothes and weeping
*when I pass by a stroller, continuing to walk, when I want to fall
*answering Mckenna or Selah when they ask, "where is the baby, momma?"

Doubt and fear are ever near, but I know there is grace for these baby steps and I trust grace will continue to meet me. I am coming to know what it really means to live by grace alone and that I can take no credit for anything I do.

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"Jesus help...and be glorified."

From the book, Grief to Glory:

"Johann Sebastian Bach was master musician who left us a wealth of worshop music of the highest order and beauty. After composing a piece of music, he often closed his manuscript with the initials, 'S.D.G.' (Soli Deo Gloria - 'To God Alone Be Glory'). Many of his works also began with the abbreviation 'J.J.' (Jesu Juva or 'Jesus, help me').

It is not well known today that Bach was a bereaved parent. In fact, he was married twice (his first wife predeceased him), and of the twenty children born of his two marriages, he saw thirteen of them carried to the grave. Bach did his best to instill courage into his second wife's suffering heart by giving her a music book. Three times he wrote into the book variations of a simple tune he composed for her based on the hymn 'Fred Not, my soul; on God rely.'

Despite the grief that surely must have characterized much of his life, Bach was able to raise his thoughts to the grandeur and majesty of Christ, and from his pen flowed hymns of praise like the familiar, 'Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring' and 'My heart Ever Faithful,' the latter of which has the following verse:

My heart ever faithful, sing praises, be joyful;
Sing praises, be joyful, they Jesus is near.
Away with complaining, away with complaining,
Faith ever maintaining, my Jesus is near.

Oh, to have such simple, childlike trust in God as Father. Every day we who have lost children should remember the example of Bach and pray, 'Jesus, help me,' as we rise from bed and, 'Glory to God alone,' when the day is done."

My prayer is that I, by grace alone, would do the same.

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When I don't know what to do

Nicole sent me this the other day. I am daily reminded, through the care of others in the means of email, of the love of my Savior. Thanks, Nicole!

"I read this verse the other day and I don't know if it will serve you or not but I thought I would send it in case. It's when King Jehoshaphat was faced with a large army coming his way and he prayed to the Lord: "We are powerless against this great horde that is coming against us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. (2 Chronicles 20:12) I can't imagine what you are going through right now but if there are moments where you feel powerless and do not know what to do, I thought this verse might be a helpful prayer to cry out to God. Of course, God answered Jehoshaphat's prayer and He will surely answer yours. "When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him." (Psalm 91:15)

Also, I sent this to you via other means so if you've received this from me already I apologize. It's simply a quote from Beside Still Waters. I pray it reminds you of the faithfulness of God.

'Some of you are enduring deep affliction. In your extraordinary trial, remember the depth of divine faithfulness. You may be unable to comprehend why, but I urge you to believe in the firmness and stability of divine affection. You will have comfort in proportion to your trials...If you have deep afflictions you will obtain deeper proof of God's faithfulness....God will not fail. God will not take away His hand until He has finished His purpose concerning us. Great trials bring great promises...There is love, immortal and unchanging love, in heaven toward you, which will never grow cold. You will be helped. God would sooner cease to be than cease to be faithful. Be of good courage, for today He will strengthen your heart.' pg. 19"

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What ministers and serves me

Many have asked what types of things serve me in this season. I am so blessed that others would ask that. We have been learning that the grieving process is different for everyone and what has/does serve others might not serve me(us) and visa versa. So, I thought I would mention a few things for those who have asked or were thinking about asking:

1. Questions. Here are some random questions I have found helpful:
"How was your day?"
"What has the Lord been showing you through this?"
"How can I be praying for you?"
"How are your girls doing?"
"Is there anything you need at the store?"
"I'm going _________. Would you like to come along?"
"We are free tonight, tomorrow evening, next week, etc. Would you and Dave like some
company?" (Please know that if we don't take you up on it, it isn't an indication of anything.
We love you dearly.)

Often making your question too specific can be unhelpful. This is not an exhaustive list, so please don't feel like these are the only questions you can ask.

2. Listening.
Don't feel the need to say much. Just listening to me talk is ever so helpful. Often it will cause my mind to go to all the Lord is doing in this season, the good I am seeing, and that so serves me. It brings perspective and reminds me that my little girl's life was not in vain, nor is this painful trial...but the Lord is at work. My soul ends up greatly encouraged...and I am able to shed tears and emotion that is helpful to get out. My thoughts go to times we have had with Joe and Esther or other couples who have been walking through this with us. At times there were moments of comfortable silence. I appreciated how they were comfortable with it and their posture was just a listening one...listening to the Lord, listening to us. I guess you have to be comfortable to listen. We are comfortable with you not knowing what to say. Often Dave doesn't know what to say. Job's friends didn't say a word for 7 days and nights. Just having friends with us is enough. So, it's OK to say something, but it's also true that sometimes "silence is golden."

3. Emailing.
Sending a note along to say you are praying is one of the things that blesses me the most. I am aware more than ever how much I need the prayers of others. Also, quotes from men such as Spurgeon, etc. and Scriptures really bless me. Please be sensitive to content as things that mention that this is just a season, or to wait because it will take time/time heals, or that these events have been perfectly planned can be hard to hear. Although they can contain good truths (and we do love the truths of God), we remember that Jesus knew all the truth the Bible now contains and yet he wept. Verses and passages that contain God's words of comfort, particularly him affirming his love to his people, are very helpful.

4. Understanding.
I have been trying to keep up on my email. And I have been so blessed (beyond what I can communicate) by all the notes, emails and offers to help that I am getting. If it is in your heart, PLEASE keep them coming. They so minister to me. But if I don't get back to you, please know I am ever so grateful.

When we have been around others, light conversation is sometimes helpful. However, often I find that asking the questions I that noted first, listening....and then transitioning later can be most helpful. We are very aware of what has happened and the incredible impact it has on our life. This type of transition in conversation/fellowship blesses us because it allows us to acknowledge the importance of Alivia and provides a helpful bridge for us to lighter talk and laughter. Laughter has been a blessing to us in this season. I am so grateful to people like Jon Smith who have made me laugh and reminded me what a gift laughter is.

However, if you notice me getting quiet, teary-eyed, feel free to just ask those same questions again...I'll probably share, cry some more...and that is often good for me.

Also, it's been amazing to me that sometimes a random topic of conversation can cause me to struggle. Don't allow this to make you feel awkward around us, this does not mean you have offended me. Just know that I might lean over to Dave to whisper or even say out loud, "let's not talk about _____." Dave and others have been great about transitioning quickly to something else. I'm grateful.

5. Encouraging.
When/where you see evidences of grace, let us know! We have found such comfort in this. I feel so desperately weak. There are days that I think, "I can't do this....I can't go on. The pain is too great and I can't live my life like this." So, when others encourage us by how they see God's strength at work in us and how it is a sign that He is real and over all things, our faith is built. We are reminded that there is indeed grace to carry on.

There is probably more, but these are some things that come to mind. Thanks to everyone for your care and prayers on our behalf. We're so grateful.

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Sacrifice of praise

I am learning, in a whole new way, what Scripture means when it says to, "offer up a sacrifice of praise to God..." Hebrews 13:15. In the midst of all this inexpressible pain, I know I must still praise my Savior and I am seeking to do so with all the strength that He provides because I have none on my own.

I have been listening to and singing he following song, by Mercy Me, every time I am in the car. I listened to it for the first time since all this happened on Sunday, when Dave and I ran an errand together. Tears just flowed down my face as I sang and offered it as a sacrifice of praise to God. So now, when I am in the car, I play it over and over and over again. The other day I literally was just waiting for Mckenna to start complaining that she was hearing repeated so much. But, instead, when the next song came, she asked if she could hear it again. She said, "I want to hear that song again, mamma, cause I want to learn about Jesus." Then she proceeded to say, "I want to hear that song all day long cause I want to learn more about Jesus." I don't know what is going on in her mind and what she understands of all these circumstances, but I do know the Lord is at work...and I was encouraged.

Today, we again were playing it in the car and she said, "this is my favorite song cause I want to praise Jesus...that pleases God, right mom?" I said, "you are right, Mckenna, it pleases Him so much." Then I heard her little voice start to sing along.

"Lord, may you indeed be pleased by our sacrifices of praise to you. And on days like today, when I feel like my heart is going to fall out and when I miss my little baby so much it hurts, may our praise be a means of comfort and help to our souls...and most of all, may you be glorified."

Bring the Rain, by Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You


Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

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The Lord indeed hears.

My sister and Megan Russell both sent me emails that, in a sense, hit the nail on the head with my struggles the past 2 days. They were examples to me that the Lord, indeed, does hear my cries.

From Kelly:

Been meditating on Ps 18 4-6 and wanted to send it your way:

"The cords of death encompassed me; the torrents of destruction assailed me; the cords of Sheol entangled me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears."


As I read this and think about it and pray through it for you...one thing keeps coming to mind. Though you may not feel it or be aware...God is hearing your cries, they do reach Him."


From Megan:

I was reading in Isaiah 30 this morning in my quiet time, and the Lord laid you on my heart. Thought these verses might be an encouragement to you:

"He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry.
As soon as He hears it, He answers you.
And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction,
Yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore,
But your eyes shall see your Teacher.
And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying,
‘This is the way, walk in it...’

...the Lord binds up the brokenness of His people,
And heals the wounds inflicted by His blow..."

Isaiah 15.19-21,26

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Glory baby

Jon Smith shared something with us two weeks ago that served them when they lost their baby and has ministered to me. He said our goal in having children is to raise them for heaven. We have no guarantees that they will grow up to love and serve the Savior, but that is what we aim and strive for. So, to know that I bore my baby and that she is now in heaven is assurance that we accomplished our mission as parents for her. We and the Smiths have glory babies and we will see them one day. It does not take the pain and ache away, but it does help to impart hope to my hurting heart.

Glory Baby, by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

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Grace

Last night was hard...today has been harder, one of the hardest days yet. I often think that I just can't do this because the pain is so great. I read a quote that a friend sent and found comfort in it's words:

"What a mercy that you can never sink lower than grace! When you come to
your lowest point, God interposes. The tide turns when you reach the full
ebb. The darkest part of night is farthest from the rising of sun.
Believer, be of good courage." Spurgeon

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Psalm 57

This Psalm has been ministering to my heart for days now...

Psalm 57:1-3, 7-11

"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!...

My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
Awake, my glory!
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!
I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!"

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Re-post

An earlier post that I made was very hard to read. Here it is again:

Perspective in Trials

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A well of living water that is close to me

A dear friend sent me this quote...

From Beside Still Waters

from p. 80
"[Jesus] did not merely carry our sins in His own body on the tree (1 Pet. 2:24); He also bore our griefs and carried our sorrows (Is. 53:4). Jesus was not merely a substitute, which is the greatest of all consolations, but He is also affected by my trial. Jesus suffers with you and in you; you are a member of His body, and He supports you. Look into His face by faith and be assured that He is not hard or without pity. Look into His face when you are distressed by the wrongs of others and believe that He knows it, notices it, and has sympathy. Jesus feels what we feel. He sympathizes with us...Beloved, if you have forgotten your Lord (and it would not be unusual if you have), think of Him again. You will find the dear Savior is a well of living water that is close to you."

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Falling leaves

I woke up this morning and looked out my bedroom window. The last time we were here in our home, the trees were full of beautiful colored leaves of yellow, crimson and orange. I remember thinking how grateful I was to have such views from my bedroom window and to be able to enjoy the beauty from my home.



However, today, almost 2 weeks later, I looked out and almost all the leaves have fallen from the trees and they look so bare, cold, empty and frail. I thought what a picture that was of what I was feeling. My heart aches beyond words.



Then the Lord brought this thought to mind...the trees will go through a long, cold winter that may seem to never end. BUT, fruit will be born again in the spring. The tress will warm once again and leaves will bud and spring forth. It brought hope to me. I know there is no timetable for this grieving process and I will never get over not having my precious baby with me. However, I am trusting that the Lord will bring forth fruit from this trial - may our hearts draw nearer to the Savior, know more of Him and love Him more. May we learn more about, dream more of, and long deeper for heaven. May we draw closer to each other in our family and to our friends. And may others come to know the saving knowledge of our Savior through this trial. That is the fruit I am praying and hoping for. And as the spring brings new warmth and beautiful leaves, may the fruit of this trial help warm our painful, grieving hearts in the days ahead and be beautiful in our gracious Savior's eyes as well in ours.

Please continue to pray for us...

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Returning Home

Over the past number of days we have been staying with the Lee family, who have so effectively cared for our bodies and souls and have extended the love of the Savior to us so well. We could not be more grateful. But today we are transitioning back to our home. 

If you think of it, please pray for us...for the Lord to strengthen and sustain us for this challenging day ahead. I am aware that the hardest days are probably yet to come. And although that is a difficult thought for me, I am seeking with all my heart to cling to Jesus and trust in His promised provision of grace for me.

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Great Benefits

Thank you, Jenni, for sending this to me today. You are a living testimony that what Spurgeon writes here is true and real. Thanks for encouraging me by your faith and example and for sending this quote to strengthen my soul today.

Beside Still Waters - "When your faith endures many conflicts, and your spirit sinks low, do not condemn yourself.

There is a reason for your season of heaviness. Great soldiers are not made without war. Skillful sailors are not trained on the shore. It appears that if you are to become a great believer, you will be greatly tested. If you are to be a great help to others, you must pass through their trials. If you are to be instructed in the things of the kingdom, you must learn from experience. The uncut diamond has little brilliance, and the unthreshed corn feeds no one, and the untried believer is of little use or beauty. There are GREAT BENEFITS to come from your trials and depression...

The one who is much plowed and often harrowed will thank God if the result is a larger harvest to the praise and glory of God by Jesus Christ. If your face is now covered with sorrow, the time will come when you will bless God for that sorrow. The day will come when you will see great gain from your losses, your crosses, your troubles and your affliction. From your affliction this glory shall spring, and the deeper your sorrow the louder you'll sing."

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This quote ministered to my soul as I read it today. It's from the book, From Grief to Glory. I'm sure I will be quoting from it more in the days ahead. The author, James W. Bruce III is quoting a portion from Pilgrim's Progress. Oh how my heart aches beyond anything I have ever experienced in this life, the tears flow freely. But how grateful that the Lord has provided things like this for me to read...

"At the end of the story, Christian and Hopeful come within view of the gates of heaven. 'I further saw in my dream,' wrote Bunyan, 'that between them and the gate was a river, but there was no bridge to go over; and the river was very deep.' The two pilgrims enter the river, and Christian begins to sink in the deep waters, the billowy waves going over his head. He exclaims, 'The sorrows of death have compassed about me!'

Hopeful answers: 'These troubles and distresses that you go through in these waters are no sign that God has forsaken you; but they are sent to test you, so see whether you will recall the goodness, which up to now, you have received from Him and if you will live upon Him in your distresses. Be cheerful, Jesus Christ makes you whole.'

With that, Bunyan saw in his dream Christian crying out in a loud voice, 'O! I see Him again, and He tells me, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you." ' Then Christian and Hopeful both take courage; the enemy becomes as still as a stone, and so they cross over."

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Perspective in Trials

A dear friend, who also has lost a precious baby, sent the following email to Dave a few days ago. It has so served me soul:

Dave,

I read this entry in the gospel primer this morning and it deeply affected me and I pray it would have a similar effect on your soul brother.

Perspective in Trials

More than anything else I could ever do, the gospel enables me to embrace my tribulations and thereby position myself to gain full benefit from them. For the gospel is the one great permanent circumstance in which I live and move; and every hardship in my life is allowed by God only because it serves His gospel purposes in me. When I view my circumstances in this light, I realize that the gospel is not just one piece of good news that fits into my life somewhere among all the bad. I realize instead that the gospel makes genuinely good news out of every others aspect of my life, including my severest trials. The good news about my trials is that God is forcing them to bow to His gospel purposes and do good unto me by improving my character and making me more conformed to the image of Christ.

Preaching the gospel to myself each day provides a lens through which I can view my trials in this way and see the true cause for rejoicing that exists in them. I can then embrace trials as friends and allow them to do God’s good work in me.

Today I pray that you would be helped to “forget not all of his benefits” and “be strengthened by the grace of God.” Do not lose heart Dave for this “momentary affliction is preparing for you a weight of eternal glory.” And when you arrive on heavens shore I am sure that your precious Alivia will be the first to greet you after Christ, and she will teach you of the glories of heaven that she has known. For you and I now have glory babies who are safe in the arms of Jesus and have joined that “great cloud of witnesses” that we long to be in. For to us, to live is Christ and to die is GAIN!

You and your precious bride are not alone! We grieve with you and stand by your side in this.

How precious is the blood of Christ that has ransomed our precious little ones away! Surely he has born our grief and carried our sorrows and it is by his stripes that we are healed!

Dreaming of heaven with you.

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Our precious Alivia

As many of you know, our precious little Alivia went home to be with the Lord a week ago today. There are few words to write, but this has been the severest and hardest trial of our lives. However, in the midst of extreme pain, our Savior has been by our side and we can testify that He is real and good and in control of all things.

The theme for me this past week has been from that sweet song:

"He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be your name.' "

There are no words to adequately express our thanks and gratefulness to ALL you who have served, cared and prayed for us so well. You have been a real and tangible expression of God's kindness to us...THANK YOU!

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Covered from head to toe...

This happened a few weeks ago, the very first day I was on my own, after Alivia was born. All was going fairly well, but I was tired...I had just put Alivia down for a nap and went outside to gather up the rest of the troops for their nap. They had been outside for most of the morning, enjoying the beautiful fall weather, drawing with chalk and even having their lunch outside. I thought they were finishing up drawing some pictures with chalk. However, when I went outside, I was greeted by 2 little girls who were covered from head to toe (literally!) with chalk dust. Mckenna had taken a few large pieces of chalk and grated them down to fine dust, using some of her play kitchen tools. Then then they had taken the dust and coated their faces, clothes, hair, everything! They looked like ghosts. So much for a nap for me as a serious bath was in order for both of them. The pictures do not quite capture how they actually looked, but here is a glimpse...

Mckenna starting to melt-down...notice the tear tracks on her cheeks!

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Help for a weary soul

That would be me lately. With not much sleep, a mushy brain, little time in the Word, a 4 year old prone to argue and complain, a 2 year old who spends much of her day screaming, needs and demands yelling out me all day long, and more things that I want to do than I can actually do... it spells our weary for me.

2 friends recently sent me some very timely and meaningful quotes that have helped me to regain perspective and fight for joy in this season. The first 2 have encouraged my soul with my lack of regular devotions and the last one has served me in checking my heart against self-sufficiency and pride that is often a motivator in why I do things...

"At this time in your life, you can't do what you're used to doing. You don't have time for all your heart desires to experience in your spiritual life. Nevertheless, do what you can do, even though it's precious little." Donald Whitney

"Like Jean with three in diapers, you may be in a situation that curtails many of your spiritual activities. You may be looking at months or even years of such limitations. Do what you can. God does not love us more when we do more, nor less when we do less. He accepts us, not because of what we do for Him, but because of what He's done for us in Christ. The Bible says, 'He made us accepted in the Beloved (that is Jesus)' Ephesians 1:6. And nothing 'shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord' Romans 8:39. Love God, and within the limitations he has sovereignly placed in your life at this time, do what you can."

Donald Whitney

“What men do by themselves they do for themselves. They eat their own fruit, devouring the praise of what they do. Only the Christian who does everything by Christ does it all for Him. He takes his nourishment from Him into whom he has been grafted; and this is what makes him fruitful. Therefore he reserves all the lovely fruit for the Husbandman.” (The Christian in Complete Armour, Volume 2, p. 49)

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A milestone for Mckenna

Today, for the first time, Mckenna wrote her name all on her own. I was so proud of her...especially since she figured it out all by herself....well, almost all by herself. She came over to me, while I was feeding Alivia, and said, "Mom, I can't figure out what comes next." She had drawn this picture and on the top of the paper had an M and then a C. She was making the sound "K" and said "I just can't figure it out." I asked if she was trying to write her name and she said yes. I said a "K" comes next. She asked, "does it look like this?" and made the motions like she was writing one. I said yes! She ran back to the table and asked me what came next. I told her each additional letter. To my surprise I walked over later, when she was done, and saw this...



My little girl is growing up way too fast.

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Life as I now know it

Life with 3 girlies...Sometimes I pinch myself because I can't believe I get to live out my dream of being a wife and mom, let alone a mom of 3 girls. It's great!! Alivia has been a wonderful addition to our family. I have loved getting to know her and her little personality.

This evening I got a taste of life alone (meaning without help ;o) with 3 kiddos. Dave took off all last week to help out and my mom was here this week from about 9-6 every day - what a blessing! The days flew by and I found myself asking, "what in the world did I do today?" Before I would know it, it would be late afternoon when it seemed like it should only be 11am! Friday (today) came way too fast. Today my mom had to leave a little early and Dave actually took off to split wood (we had about 6 trees taken town in the early summer and we have huge logs all over the yard that need to be split - it's quite a task!).

So, this evening Dave was outside and I was dishing up some great soup for the girls that was brought to us. I looked down and realized that Dave had come inside and walked all over the kitchen floor, dropping little pieces of wet mud from his shoes all over....mom and I had just cleaned the floors today ;o). I tried to quickly get it cleaned up when I realized Alivia is screaming upstairs, having woken up from a nap. Realizing that I didn't have the monitor on, I wondered how long she had been exercising those lungs of hers. I go get her and try to calm her down as I finish getting dinner for the girls. Meanwhile, Mckenna is asking for more juice and Selah is complaining that she "no like it" (doesn't like the soup). I come in to the living room to feed the baby and get half way through when I put the baby down to attend the girls who needed some attention! I get Mckenna some more juice and tell the girls that there are popsicles for whoever finishes their dinner and instruct Selah that she must eat. I come back to Alivia who is now screaming in protest that she is not done eating yet! I finished feeding her to the cries of "I'm done and can I have my popsicle" and "need help, mommy." Mckenna gets her treat and I help Selah down 5 more bites and give her a popsicle.

Somewhere in all that I actually managed to eat a bowl of soup and a piece of bread myself, but I honestly could not tell you exactly when that was. And also in the midst of that I remember sitting on the couch, feeding Alivia, and thinking how wonderfully crazy life is and how incredibly blessed I am to be living in this life as I now know it! I know there are challenges that lie ahead and much sanctification to be done in my heart through it all, but...

God has indeed been so kind to me!

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1st Bath

I gave Alivia her first bath...

Obviously, it was not a hit....

but this part was...she loved getting all wrapped up, cozy and warm in her towel.

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Bugs

My nickname for her has nothing to do with her love for bugs of every phylum and genus. Just something that flowed when I was bursting with parental love. I think you would agree it fits if you were to be with her for a day.

She has a love for insects (actually a love for all creatures--anything self-propelled) but would probably put the lowly earthworm at the top of that heap. The spider was slandered enough that she has flagged in interest for the poor "Spyweeb." One time she had one between her finger and thumb and showed it to us at the dinner table, then promptly held it to her mouth for a taste! Probably safer that all shapes and sizes of spiders are lumped together as dangerous biting creatures. Ants were her favorite playthings for a while--poor things would get grabbed and re-grabbed and mock-released and...loved to death. No, today's flavor is definitely earthworm. When Heather is outside Selah expects her to be digging in the garden at some point, or at least ready to produce a "Wuhm" easily. We were walking outside for a moment the other day to soak up the outdoors and little Selah thought of the perfect way to enjoy it. "Wuhm, Mom!" This insect thing is probably a whole post in itself.

My little Bugs has been well taken care of by someone else the past couple days because her little passionate self, her sister and a newborn all together are a bit challenging to manage on a quarter tank of sleep. I have been missing her but have enjoyed remembering her and her little ways. I wanted to record her little "ism's" that are disappearing too quickly with her maturing command of English; I don't want to forget them!

"Machido" - Monster. This one is evolving of course. We've heard "monteydo" as well.

"Daaa-ee" - Daddy. I know, this one is simple but it was so cute...especially when
said in excited quick repetition when I came home: "Daa-ee! Daa-ee!"

"Has poopee" - I have poop.

"Kenna" - Mckenna. It was un-spellable at one point, then evolved to "Keh-uh"before the latest.

"Ah way'h up" - Can I wake up?

"Nuh-tch" - Lunch, breakfast, dinner.

"Snah"- Snack.

"Mooey" - Movie.

"Tao" - Cow.

"Wah-yuh" - Water.

"Spyweeb" - Spider. Lately it has turned into "Biyuh."

"I pay paydoh?" - Can I play with play dough? "I pay" variations: "I pay payroom?"

"Children, obey God!" - Eph 6:1, NSV, New Selah Version

There's more, but I'm toast. Officially I'm worthless to the world by 9:30p but we're talking low voltage content here. Heather and I will add to the list and refresh this post soon.

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1 week old

Alivia Sandra Castro is one week old today. It's hard for me to believe. This past week has been a bit of a blur, but we are thoroughly enjoying our new bundle of joy. Alivia is a great baby! She eats and sleeps very well and is, so far, a very content baby...I could not be more grateful! I have not been getting much sleep this week...not because of Alivia (although she does wake up a few times at night), but just because I have had a bit of insomnia. Dave has been a huge help and has taken her after nighttime feedings so I can try to get some rest. Hoping this will pass soon and I'll once again be able to fall asleep fast and easily. For now, I'm grateful for Tylenol PM!

Alivia loves sleeping in this pink basket. I had it in her room with toys in it and Dave was looking for something that would be just her size for her to snuggle down into. He found this basket, tried it out, and it was a hit with her! Pretty soon she will grow out of it, but for now we are enjoying how cute she looks in it.

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