My HOPE is in you

Ever since naming our baby girl, Hailey HOPE, I've thought a lot about what hope is and the truth that, when rightly place in the Lord, it really does help carry us through the trials of life.

I've been listening to this song by Aaron Shust tonight. The words are packed with truth and hope.

Over the last 3 years I've come to realize that my soul needs trials and storms, although I would never choose them. I'm very quick to put my hope in this life and the things of this world. It's trials that redirect my gaze and force me to set my hope on heaven and eternity. I've seen firsthand how they work for good in my life...even the hardest of storms, although I may not fully understand them.

"My hope is in you, Lord, all the day long. I won't be shaken by drought or storm. A peace that passes understanding is my song. And I sing, my hope is in you, Lord."

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H2O

According to Wikipedia, "Water is the only common substance found naturally in all three common states of matter and it is essential for life on Earth." Water is also the one chemical compound we can remember from chemistry class....H2O

As promised, I want to begin posting more on the topic of grieving, as we have experienced it and what we have learned. As I've contemplated doing this, I wanted to have a subject title for all the posts that pertain to this, something that summed up my desire in them. The word that kept coming back to me and others I talked with was, HOPE. Jesus, because of what He has done for us, has hope to offer (H2O). And that hope has been living water for my soul over the past 2 years now. This hope, in the midst of life's most difficult trials and unimaginable pain, is essential for our souls and carries us on through suffering. And I know it will carry me on to the day when I'll see my little girl again.

It is my desire that these posts on grieving will highlight the gospel and the hope we have through Jesus. I'm no writer and as I've said before, am so aware that there are countless others who have suffered much more than I have. But this is my feeble effort to serve the many around me who are walking through such hard trials right now, as well as friends of those suffering.

These posts will probably be very few and far between my others. As is with everyone, life is full and crazy. And I'm now an official homeschooling mom! We started last week. I feel like I'm in a major juggling act of priorities and responsibilities. But I will write when I can and hope to include others in these posts as well.

Jesus has hope to offer us, even in the midst of tragedy, loss and pain. And in the midst of grieving that hope is water for the soul, an anchor to sustain us.

Stay tuned for more H2O posts!

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6 months

Yesterday marked 6 months that we've been missing our little girl. At one point yesterday tears flowed as I considered the degree to which I love my little one and how much I miss her. I tried to imagine what she would be like at 7 months old.

Dave was gone a few nights last week. One of those nights, I watched a movie after I put the girls down, to pass a few hours before going to bed. In this movie a mom is separated from her baby at birth. The baby's name just happened to be Alivia. The mom lived a good portion of her life without her little one. But at the end of the story, she is reunited with her. As I sat watching this particular scene, I just cried as I considered the day when I'll be reunited with my own Alivia.

I have still been reading Randy Alcorn's book, 50 Days of Heaven. It's hard to put into words how much I have benefited by gaining a better and deeper understanding of what Heaven will be like, particularly the new Heaven. It has left me with a longing for it that I have never had before. So, after watching that movie, I imagined living life in an unblemished, sin-free world, unhindered from fears and evil that is now so real to us. And I imagined enjoying that with Alivia by my side...FOREVER.

"....I’ve walked the valley of death’s shadow
So deep and dark that I could barely breathe
I’ve had to let go of more than I could bear
And I've questioned everything that I believe
But still even here
in this great darkness
A comfort and hope come breaking through
As I can say in life or death
God we belong to you.

It’s all Yours God, Yours God, everything is Yours
From the stars in the sky to the depths of the ocean floor
and it’s all Yours God, Yours God, everything is Yours
You’re the maker and keeper, Father and ruler of everything"

Lyrics added to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, Yours, after losing his daughter

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No more tears

It's been a fairly common practice for me, having lost so much over the last number of months, to think much of, dream more of and long harder for heaven. I was reading today in Randy Alcorn's book about the new Heaven and the new Earth. It made me swell with anticipation and for a brief few moments my heart felt light. It has been one of those weeks when I feel like I have been carrying the weight of the world and more on my shoulders. It seems like it doesn't take much these days for my heart to be heavy with anxiety. But as I pondered on heaven, I seemed to gain new perspective.

As I was reading, I happened upon Revelation 21:1-4, reminding us that in the new Earth, there will be no more crying. I stopped and thought about that for awhile. I couldn't seem to imagine what that would be like. All the emotion, all of the hurt and pain, every unsettling thought that so often causes my tears to fall...will be NO MORE! I won't have to fight the memories, the fears, the sin. It will be NO MORE. I can't quite seem to imagine, but how I long for it. How amazingly wonderful it will be. It seems so distant right now, so unreal, so foreign. But this is where faith upholds me and reminds me of the truth that is rooted deep in my heart...yes, it's real and one day I will experience the goodness of it. And it couldn't come too soon!

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50 Days of Heaven

I have wanted to get Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven, for some time now. I was a little apprehensive, given how hard it still is for me to read, but I just long to learn more about where my little girl is. So, I went into our church bookstore on Sunday and was searching for it. I didn't see it. I think they were out, but it just happened to be the Lord that they were. Instead I found Alcorn's book, 50 Days of Heaven. It's a book of 50 daily meditations of only few pages each, each exploring an aspect of Heaven - HOW PERFECT! My attention span continues to be very short and this is just what I needed....and I am loving it!

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