The Innkeeper

I read this, through tears, to my girls yesterday. It's a poem written by John Piper. He dedicated it to, "...all who ever lost a child."

You can also listen to him read it here.

To all those who are hurting today, I pray that as you consider the Savior and all He came to do, it would in some way be a comfort to you...


Jake's wife would have been fifty-eight
The day that Jesus passed the gate
Of Bethlehem, and slowly walked
Toward Jacob's Inn. The people talked
With friends, and children played along
The paths, and Jesus hummed a song,
And smiled at every child he saw.

He paused with one small lass to draw
A camel in the dirt, then said,
"What's this?" The girl bent down her head
To study what the Lord had made,
Then smiled, "A camel, sir!" and laid
Her finger on the bulging back,
"It's got a hump." "Indeed it does,
And who do you believe it was
Who made this camel with his hump?"
Without a thought that this would stump
The rabbi guild and be reviled,
She said, "God did." And Jesus smiled,
"Good eyes, my child. And would that all
Jerusalem within that wall
Of yonder stone could see the signs
Of peace!" He left the lass with lines
Of simple wonder in her face,
And slowly went to find the place
Where he was born.

Folks said the inn
Had never been a place for sin,
For Jacob was a holy man.
And he and Rachel had a plan
To marry, have a child or two,
And serve the folk who traveled through,
Especially the poor who brought
Their meal and turtle-doves, and sought
A place to stay near Zion's gate.
They'd rise up early, stay up late,
To help the pilgrims go and come,
And when the place was full, to some
Especially the poorest, they would say,
"We're sorry there's no room, but stay
Now if you like out back. There's lots
Of hay and we have extra cots
That you can use. There'll be no charge.
The stable isn't very large
But Noah keeps it safe." He was
A wedding gift to Jake because
The shepherds knew he loved the dog.
"There's nothing in the decalogue,"
He used to joke, "that says a man
Can't love a dog!"

The children ran
Ahead of Jesus as he strode
Toward Jacob's Inn. The stony road
That led up to the inn was deep
With centuries of wear, and steep
At one point just before the door.
The Lord knocked once then twice before
He heard an old man's voice, "‘Round back!"
It called. So Jesus took the track
That led around the inn. The old
Man leaned back in his chair and told
The dog to never mind. "Ain't had
No one to tend the door, my lad,
For thirty years. I'm sorry for
The inconvenience to your sore
Feet. The road to Jerusalem
Is hard ain't it? Don't mind old Shem.
He's harmless like his dad. Won't bite
A Roman soldier in the night.
Sit down." And Jacob waved the stump
Of his right arm. "We're in a slump
Right now. Got lots of time to think
And talk. Come, sit and have a drink.
From Jacob's well!" he laughed. "You own
The inn?" The Lord inquired. "On loan,
You'd better say. God owns the inn."
At that the Lord knew they were kin,
And ventured on: "Do you recall
The tax when Caesar said to all
The world that each must be enrolled?"
Old Jacob winced, "Are north winds cold?
Are deserts dry? Do fishes swim
And ravens fly? I do. A grim
And awful year it was for me.
Why do you ask?" "I have a debt
To pay, and I must see how much.
Why do you say that it was such
A grim and awful year?" He raised
The stump of his right arm, "So dazed,
Young man, I didn't know I'd lost
My arm. Do you know what it cost
For me to house the Son of God?"
The old man took his cedar rod
And swept it ‘round the place: "Empty.
For thirty years alone, you see?
Old Jacob, poor old Jacob runs
It with one arm, a dog and no sons.
But I had sons . . . once. Joseph was
My firstborn. He was small because
His mother was so sick. When he
Turned three the Lord was good to me
And Rachel, and our baby Ben
Was born, the very fortnight when
The blessed family arrived.
And Rachel's gracious heart contrived
A way for them to stay—there in
That very stall. The man was thin
And tired. You look a lot like him."
But Jesus said, "Why was it grim?"

"We got a reputation here
That night. Nothing at all to fear
In that we thought. It was of God.
But in one year the slaughter squad
From Herod came. And where do you
Suppose they started? Not a clue!
We didn't have a clue what they
Had come to do. No time to pray,
No time to run, no time to get
Poor Joseph off the street and let
Him say good-bye to Ben or me
Or Rachel. Only time to see
A lifted spear smash through his spine
And chest. He stumbled to the sign
That welcomed strangers to the place,
And looked with panic at my face,
As if to ask what he had done.
Young man, you ever lost a son?"

The tears streamed down the Savior's cheek,
He shook his head, but couldn't speak.

"Before I found the breath to scream
I heard the words, a horrid dream:
‘Kill every child who's two or less.
Spare not for aught, nor make excess.
Let this one be the oldest here
And if you count your own life dear,
Let none escape.' I had no sword
No weapon in my house, but Lord,
I had my hands, and I would save
The son of my right hand . . . So brave,
O Rachel was so brave! Her hands
Were like a thousand iron bands
Around the boy. She wouldn't let
Him go and so her own back met
With every thrust and blow. I lost
My arm, my wife, my sons—the cost
For housing the Messiah here.
Why would he simply disappear
And never come to help?"

They sat
In silence. Jacob wondered at
The stranger's tears.

"I am the boy
That Herod wanted to destroy.
You gave my parents room to give
Me life, and then God let me live,
And took your wife. Ask me not why
The one should live, another die.
God's ways are high, and you will know
In time. But I have come to show
You what the Lord prepared the night
You made a place for heaven's light.
In two weeks they will crucify
My flesh. But mark this, Jacob, I
Will rise in three days from the dead,
And place my foot upon the head
Of him who has the power of death,
And I will raise with life and breath
Your wife and Ben and Joseph too
And give them, Jacob, back to you
With everything the world can store,
And you will reign for evermore."

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Put your feet up

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Throughout this Christmas season the big girls and I have cuddled up on the couch, put our feet up and enjoyed this book by Nancy Guthrie. I'll have to say, I have probably enjoyed it the most, although Mckenna is benefitting. It's a little above Selah's head. But I have found it a great teaching tool this Christmas season and a reminder that I not only need to make room in my heart and schedule for all the busyness and things to do, but also for pausing and considering Jesus, my Savior. It has great questions and application as well as songs to sing together...which the girls love to do.

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Happy Birthday, Addie!

This amazing gift was given to us a year ago. Addie, we love you and are so grateful for you.

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H2O | Christmas

The Lord has blessed our family with wonderful memories so far this holiday season, many birthday celebrations and the blessing of being busy with much to do. However, I'm daily aware of so many who are grieving, struggling, without family, needy, and facing severe trials. Over the past few days, on a few occasions, my eyes have filled with tears as I've thought about this. I think there is a desire for our hearts, especially this time of year, to be light, cheery, carefree, there to be presents all around, parties, and laughter. But the reality is that we live in a sin-filled world, full of pain and sorrow. And during Christmastime, it can be especially felt. 2 years ago, our world was rocked. Christmastime was filled more with tears than it was all the things you think of when you think of this time of year. Somehow listening to Christmas music, decorating, baking, getting a Christmas tree, wrapping presents...all these things just didn't seem appropriate, nor did I want to do them that year.

As you enter into all the wonderful Christmas festivities, which are a great blessing and gift, also consider sharing the burdens of those you know who are struggling and grieving. Send a note, let them know you're praying for them. And tell them that they are not forgotten, nor what they are walking through. Loved ones who have been lost are especially missed and painful trials hurt even more around the holidays. In the year after we lost Alivia, I had a special friend who brought me little gifts on all the major holidays. It was a huge blessing and things like that mean so much and can help ease the deep pain.

That's it. Just a few thoughts as my heart was heavy tonight for all those who are burdened with trials and grief. I'm praying that for those experiencing pain will be comforted by the gift God sent to us, Emmanuel...He is, God with us.

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Mckenna's party

I'm jumping around on birthdays here...a few more pictures to share from Mckenna's big day. Her actual birthday was packed with fun things. We started the day going to Pistachio's (a small hometown cafe that we love) for bagels and hot chocolate. Kel, Larsen, June and Wyatt joined us. Dave was out of town all that week, so later that evening my mom took us out to dinner. And then we met up with Kel and June at the mall to get Mckenna's ears pierced. It was what she wanted for her birthday! To see the event, go to my sister's blog, where she posted a video. I think deciding on which fake diamond earrings to choose was harder than actually getting the piercing!

Then the following evening, she had a few friends over for a slumber party. It was homemade chicken fingers for dinner, with an array of dipping sauces to choose from and a veggie platter. Then, upon Mckenna's request, I made a Christmas tree cake to celebrate with. Later that evening Dave came up with some games that he played in the basement with them. After a movie and a bunch of chit chatting, I think they finally fell asleep close to 11pm! And up around 6am. I think they all had a blast...

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And, Happy Birthday, Dad!! His birthday is today.

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Happy Birthday, Dave!

I'm a day late, but wanted to wish my amazing husband a very Happy Birthday. Poor Dave, I haven't even given him his gift yet, however, I did manage to get some of his friends over last night for an evening of food, foosball and football...some of his favorite things!


I feel like I am swimming in birthdays this year. With the addition of Wyatt and Addie, it just seems over the top busy, in addition of simply getting ready for Christmas. But I love celebrating life and it's a joy to have so many to celebrate with. As of now we have, Wyatt on November 30, Mckenna on December 2, Dave's grandmother on December 5, Dave on December 12, Savanna on December 13 (TODAY...Happy Birthday Savanna!), my Dad on December 14, and Addie on December 18. This year we have done something to celebrate each of these special lives, and tomorrow will have a dinner here for my dad.

Back to Dave for now...I was so grateful to celebrate another year of your life! This year you have been such a means of grace and strength to me as we have walked a tough road. I'm so thankful for you and the husband and father that you are to us. Happy Birthday!



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Lights!

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More of Thanksgiving weekend

I'm still working through my pictures of Thanksgiving weekend and birthday celebrations as we prepare for Christmas and yet more birthdays. Dave's birthday is coming up on Sunday, the 12th and then Addie's the following Saturday on the 18th. But we've already done some celebrating for Addie (more on that to come).

It's tradition in our family to go cut a tree down the weekend after Thanksgiving. This year it was freezing cold, so we all bundled up in search of the perfect tree. Here are some highlights from our time...

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This tree was Selah's pick...
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And Mckenna liked this one...
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And here is the one we got. With a little clipping on top, she actually turned out beautiful inside, although a little rugged looking.
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This is actually the first one Ty and Selah found (the tiny one between them) and were convinced would be perfect...gotta watch those two! And I'm not sure who gave Tyler that saw...
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Wyatt staying warm...
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Heading back with all the trees...
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Lunch afterwards at Ledos!
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Our Thanksgiving Day

Backing up a number of days to our Thanksgiving preparations and celebration. For me, it started a number of days before Thanksgiving arrived. We had the privilege to host a number of my relatives (18 in total, including kids). It was a team effort of mother's helpers and even help from my girls when they could to get ready. The day before, on Wednesday, was by far the busiest day and I overestimated how much I could do in one day (as usual)...and of course, I am always coming up with last minute ideas to squeeze in.

I took a few pictures the night before, of my kitchen while I was making pies...most of which came out terrible...Addie was into my spice cabinet and pulled out a number of bottles and dumped their contents all over. At that point I really didn't care because she was happy and occupied as I finished up. Once in the oven she went to take a peek...

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The girls helped me with the centerpiece, by searching for long twigs which I used in a vase, as well as tried to salvage some of our gourds which were on their last leg {i.e. rotting!}. They made it through the weekend. Mckenna helped me set each place setting and made each of the name tags...

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I borrowed an 8 foot table, which came in so handy. I covered it with burlap (which was also a table runner on our main table) and used it as our appetizer table and later to put all the main meal food on. I've had this old window that I picked up at a tag sale about 7 years ago and...well...Dave never really liked it. I could never part with it all these years and have had it in storage. I pulled it out, roughed it up some more and used it on the appetizer table to hold the cups and paper products and silver ware...and also to say, "Happy Thanksgiving!" {by the way, I'm loving my window markers I got a few weeks back. See more about them here}.

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I am not the pie maker in our family...my sister is! She is an ahhh-mazing baker. I'm not sure how many times I called her and even ran over to her house to borrow something. But, I'm happy to report that my pies did come out. I made 2 apple pies, 2 pumpkin and a cranberry cake. We also had pecan/cranberry pie {my sister}, biscotti and rice pudding {my mom}. It was quite the spread.

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We had our main table set up for adults and a little table for all the cousins...and Addie and Wyatt sat next to each other in their little boosters. Here is everyone...

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Appreciation

We had been waiting on getting a memorial stone for Alivia as we prioritized our spend during the last year or so. Some friends and family very thoughtfully and very generously connected with us and gave toward the monument. Just wanted to take a moment to say Thank You. We are very grateful, humbled and moved by your desire to contribute. We have what we need and hope to buy one very soon.

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Happy Birthday, Mckenna!

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Mckenna, you're 7 years old today. Wow. You're momma cannot believe it. What a gift you have been to your family and so many around you. Your joy and compassion and tenderness has served me on some of the toughest days that we have faced as a family. I'm grateful to celebrate how the Lord has made you into the big girl you are today. I love how you are quick to obey, quick to be sensitive when someone around you needs a hug and quick to pray when the Lord's help is especially needed. I cannot imagine life without you.

We have had a full day celebrating. So far, my favorite moment today has been when we both read books together on the couch, while your sisters were napping, and then cuddled up and took a little cat nap together. Precious. I love you, sweet girl!

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Catching up

I'm so behind and there is so much to share. We have had a flurry of activity around here and it's been a lot of fun and a reminder of all that we have to be thankful for.


This year we hosted thanksgiving at our house for close to 20 people...for 4 days! It was all week getting ready, cooking, baking, cleaning, setting things up. I thoroughly enjoyed it and we had a wonderful Thanksgiving together with our family.

I just today uploaded photos from the past few weeks. The below one I took on the day Addie turned 11 months, on November 18. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm terrible with dates, but it was right around the time she turned 11 months that she seemed so big to me. And I definitely marked November 18. Not just a little baby anymore.

Hopefully in the coming days, I'll share more of the past few weeks and Thanksgiving.




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A note

I meant to share this note I received awhile ago and totally forgot. I came across it today again. A dear friend sent it on November 2 to us. It made me freshly grateful for the body of believers that we joined to, who have stood by our sides and supported us over these past two years.


Thank you, Cara, for sharing your heart with us!

Dear Dave and Heather,

I had so hoped to come by your house today and get this to you as a "real letter," but it appears that is just not going to work. Please forgive the impersonal feel of an email, and know that this is nonetheless heartfelt for being digital!

Below is a copy of a journal entry I wrote a few days after Alivia’s memorial service. I hope and trust that it’s the Spirit who prompted me to share it with you today. I hope and trust He will use it to strengthen your hearts in some small way.
Alivia’s short life continues to bless me so deeply. I hope this journal entry will give you a glimpse into just one way that God has used her to magnify my awe and love for Him and my gratefulness for His Church.


Monday, 10 November 2008


“So then, you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you are also being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit.” Ephesians 2:19-22


The truth of this passage struck me on Saturday at Alivia’s memorial service. As I sat in the back of the room, in the sound booth with my husband, I could see all of the dear saints gathered in that room. The Castros’ extended family on both sides, Eric and Lisa Simmons, the Stogsdill family, Erik and Jerusha, Michelle and Jon, Shawn and Dienny, Jon and Jenni, Christy and Shawn Sullivan, Jon Ward, the Hydoskis, the Kauflins, the Ricuccis, Steve Whitacre, Julie Purswell, Debbie Partlow and her mom, Kay, Josh Harris, Kenneth and Valori Maresco, C.J. and Carolyn, Mike and Janelle, the Dabbs, Solomon and Eva, the Lees, the Bangs, Mike and Sarah, Brandon and Annie, and so many, many others.


I sat there, remembering. I thought about being in care group with Dave when I first came to the church, about assisting him in care group a year or two later. I thought about sitting across from him in a greasy spoon on Redland Road and asking him how his courtship with Heather was going, seeing the grin spread across his face. I thought about sitting with Heather and Sohee in the Flower Hill Starbucks when we were all in care group together, talking about Dave and Heather’s marriage, and my brand new courtship.


I thought about Dave and Heather growing up at Covenant Life and the people in that room who knew them as children. I looked at the people around me and wondered what memories were running through their minds—the points where their lives had intersected with Dave and Heather’s lives, the bonds that drew them to come and grieve with the Castros on that day.


There was something so holy and mysterious about mourning together there. Through all of my tears, I could almost see the people as a temple, stones instead of bodies, as the Holy Spirit ministered among us. That day, in those very moments, the building was underway. God was using this terrible, awful thing, this thing that none of us ever could have foreseen or desired. He was shaping us, joining us together, making us worthy to be a dwelling for Him. Amidst all of our heavy hearts, He was there, taking separate and individual lives and binding us together with a mortar mixed of faith and sorrow.


I don’t know if Dave and Heather were able to think or feel much at all that day, but I pray that they were aware of the church gathered there behind them. A Christ-ransomed Bride, Someone—something solid and steady and real at their backs as God draws them forward, toward Him, in glory.


We are still here, at your backs--following you, supporting you as you continue to bless the One who gives and takes away. Thank you for trusting Him to lead you, even through the valley of the shadow of death. Your example gives me faith and courage.

We are praying for you--more comfort, more joy, more peace, more provision. More of Jesus!


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Our little strawberry

Yesterday I put a little red onesie outfit on Addie. As soon as Mckenna saw her she said, "Oh mom, she looks like a little strawberry." She could not wait to complete the outfit and kept asking me all morning if she could make Addie a little hat (my artsy girl!). As soon as she had a break in school this is what she did. And, yes, Mckenna even took the picture (with a little editing help from mom)! Here was our little strawberry for the day...

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Sisters

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Thank You!

I honestly did not know what to expect this year, in the way of how hard September 26 and November 2 would be. September 26 came and went and I got through it fine. The weeks after were hard. So many memories of having Alivia. Going to pick apples, then pumpkins and a few trips to our favorite orchard are all activities I did with her, so those trips this year were again bittersweet. Last year the pumpkin patch was in a different field, but this year it was back again in the field it was 2 years ago. As I walked along the rows, I thought about the day I carried Alivia in my baby carrier in search of pumpkins with my other big girls.

I had no expectations for this past Tuesday, November 2. I never really know how to answer the question, "what are you thinking for that day?" which my wonderful family is always faithful to ask. So, I'm grateful for my sister who makes the plans for me. She came over with lunch, and while the kids were eating threw a crock-pot dinner in. Later my mom came over as well, taking a half day of work to be with us.

There was one thing I knew I wanted to do, and that was bring my girls to the cemetery. We've been talking about it with them, particularly Mckenna, and where we put Alivia's body. She was anxious to see the place and remember her there.

Later that evening, we shared a meal with my family. At the end of the day, I reflected on it's events and thanked the Lord for how he orchestrated every moment. I could not have imagined a more perfect day!

However, theres more to this year's story. I honestly did not expect many to remember...it's just one day out of the whole year and everyone is busy. I know that I have such a hard time keeping track of what month it is, let alone what day! So to receive so many emails this week meant more than I can communicate. Not only that, but a number of people brought over flowers and stopped by. Then yesterday, we were coming home from an errand and I realized I had not checked the mail all week. The mailbox was stuffed full. I pulled into the driveway, and shuffling through it, I noticed there were quite a few cards. As I began opening them, I quickly found myself in tears. Card after card from dear friends, expressing their heart for us--that they were remembering Alivia and desired to contribute toward Alivia's headstone. We had tightened our belts and were waiting on that purchase. I was completely blown away and overwhelmed by the generosity of everyone who had given.


So, it will take me some time to try effectively thank each person. I have not even gotten through the emails. So, I just wanted to write a post, saying thanks to all our friends and family who overwhelmed us with their kindness and effectively communicated the Father's love to us this week. From the emails, to the cards, to the flowers, and the monetary gifts....Words just are so inadequate, but you all make grace so much more amazing to us. We continue to be so grateful for each of you and the way the Lord has used you in our lives in such a meaningful way.

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God answered our prayer

One morning last week, Mckenna and I were sitting at the kitchen table and I was feeding Addie. The song, Jesus Will Meet You There, by Steven Curtis Chapman was playing and this conversation took place:

Mc: Mom, what is this song about?
Me: It means when really hard things happen to us in this life, that God will help us, He will meet us...like when Alivia died. God helped us. Or when someone is really sick and the doctors say there is no medicine for them and they will die. God says He will help them (referencing the lyrics in the song).
Mc: You remember when Alivia died, I prayed? I prayed and asked God for another baby for you. I prayed so much, mom. And God gave us another baby...He gave us Bippers. God answered my prayer, mom!

With tears in my eyes, she gave me a big hug. I have recently been especially aware of the blessing of Adelyn in our lives. Sometimes it seems so surreal that we have walked through what we did, that I was pregnant again and now have another beautiful little girl. That God really did answer our prayers so quickly for another little baby girl is testament to His mercy. Never will she replace, but she has helped soothe the aching in my heart. And just yesterday I was thinking that the Lord knew how hard this past year was going to be and having this little one, has been more of a blessing than I probably am aware of or could adequately communicate. God has indeed been merciful to me.

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Pumpkin patch

Yesterday, our family headed up to Rockhill Orchard to pick pumpkins. Like I mentioned before, the girls were more fascinated by all the bugs and flowers than pumpkins. But there were pretty picked through. Mckenna wanted a small pumpkin and after declining a few that I thought were small, we headed to the check out store to see what was there. It was then that I realized Mckenna wanted one of those mini pumpkins (the 3" round ones). The only one pumpkin we found in the field was designated for Addie. The rest of us got ours at the store. After that, we went to one of our favorite places for lunch, Pistachios.

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