This post is an attempt to just say "thanks" to all of you who have emailed, stopped in, made meals and left messages checking up on me over the past number of weeks. As many know, life is busy with a newborn, so I have not been the best at returning calls and emails...but every one of them has been a blessing and encouragement to me.
I also wanted to give an update on how we are doing, since I have not been able to let friends know who have inquired (simply because of the craziness of life right now). In a nutshell, we are doing well and are thoroughly enjoying the gift of Adelyn to our family. She is amazing! She is not the best sleeper, so I am pretty exhausted these days, which can alter my perspective on life and make the smallest things seem huge! But it's such a brief season and I am "trying" to just enjoy my little one and remember to eat and rest when I can (which I am not the best at...you can ask my sister and husband :).
In the arena of grief, I have not wrote about it for awhile. In fact this post has been in the making (in my head) for some time. I have not wanted to take away from communicating the joy that our newest little one is. And I have not wanted to sound as if I am complaining by expressing some of the challenges that this season has brought. But many have asked, and I simply want to update those dear friends and also communicate how faithful God continues to be to us.
The road of grief has picked up in intensity for me since Adelyn came. That may come as a surprise to some...in ways it was for me too. Simple things like listening to Addie cry or watching her sleep can bring back very intense memories of having Alivia and flashbacks of the night we lost her. Sleep can be, at times, restless and we can wake up in a panic or with anxiety filling our hearts. I check on Adelyn constantly and she is usually always very near to me. We don't really have a strict schedule and I find myself doing things very differently with her...some things I vowed I would never do with a newborn and are not "according to the books." But for us, that's ok. I just want to focus on enjoying her and know all things, like schedule, sleep, etc. will fall into place in time.
This week, especially, I have found myself remembering Alivia. Adelyn will be 5 weeks old on Friday...the age of Alivia when we lost her. Alivia was also born on a Friday, so the timing is similar. I find myself remembering back to that week and all I did with her...and thinking I had absolutely no clue what was ahead for us through each of those activities. I also look back in amazement as some of those things were gifts from the Lord, because simply, He knew. We took lots of pictures that week, even had family pictures taken the day before we lost her. I took her to the orchard we love and we spent time outside enjoying the fall weather.
My longing for heaven only increases with each passing day, as well as my appreciation for all Jesus has done for me. The other day I was in the car with Dave, listening to a song about the Cross and tears just filled my eyes...the truths of the gospel have so much more meaning to me now. It's because of Jesus that Alivia can be with Him and I can know strength and grace all my days. Days can be bitter and I can look at the world with an ache in my heart as so much is not as it should be because of the curse of sin. But the day is coming when the Lord will wipe away all tears and redeem all things for good. As I continue to press on through grace, I think about the day we will be reunited with our little one and our faith will be sight. The road of grief is a lifelong one, but through it I am learning more about my Savior, trust, faith and heaven than I think I would otherwise. For that I am grateful. The Lord, indeed, does all things well and for good. It's a hard truth to wrap my mind around, but we have found this truth to be our comfort during our hardest days.
So, once again, thank you to all of you who have cared, carried us on your hearts and served us in countless ways over the past year and a half now. We are so indebted to you and grateful beyond words.
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