Out of desperation for the Lord's help, I am up before my family, despite the fact that Selah Grace was up more than usual last night. I have seen so much bad fruit in my life as of late, and I need to spend some quality time with God. I have been irritable, impatient, angry, self-focused, living by my feelings (a lot), and the list could go on! Last night, I was so miserable and was crying out for God's help. I realized that what I need is some undistracted time with the Lord. My devotions are often filled with Mckenna calling to me for milk or breakfast, the baby crying, Dave running out the door and my mind focused on what I need to get him, etc. etc...I'm going to be tired regardless of the time I wake up, so might as well get up an hour or two earlier, brew the coffee, and settle in for a good reality check!
So, here I am, in my quiet time chair, with my coffee in hand, and ready to read and meditate on God's Word, listen to His voice, repent and spend time crying out for help and mercy. Regardless of what I do today or do NOT do, this time is of greatest importance.
What am I realizing?....I am worshipping my days rather than the Lord. Ease and comfort are my idols as well as getting things done and having things the way I like them. So, my hours are filled with striving to accomplsih things, thinking about all I have to do and what I am not doing. OR how much I want this or that changed for the better and what I need to do to get it that way. Are these things priorities for my soul's good or to my husband? NO! So, by the end of the day, I am burnt out, discouraged and exhausted by my strivings. I am emotionally, physically, and mentally spent. Dave often comes home to a wife who is self-focused, and in no way ready to serve him. I'm downcast, lacking joy and in a serious pity-party. If only I would realize the GOSPEL, how blessed I am and how much more I have that I don't deserve - oh the wealth! It grieves my soul when I realize how often I forget this...forget God's amazing goodness, sovereignty, grace and mercy. As Bridges has said (and I am paraphrasing), my worst day is still not beyond the reach of God's grace and my best day is not beyond my need for it. The gospel is still the same and my soul is just as well regardless of my day and circumstances.
So, what does this allow for? My heart to be joyful, grateful, focused on others, selfless, content and ready to serve my family with the grace and strength that God HAS provided. There is grace to focus on what is important and the rest of everything around me will fall into place. And when it doesn't??? Well, it's ok, because my heart will be at peace....it wasn't really important anyway. So, that's why I am here, early this morning...to preach ths truth to myself, and in desperation, ask for God's help. How I need it!
"Do not remember against us our former iniquities; let your compassion come speedily to meet us, for we are brought very low. Help us, O God of our salvation, for the glory of your name; deliver us, and atone for our sins, for your name's sake!...But we your people, the sheep of your pasture, will give thanks to you forever; from generation to generation we wil recount your praise." Psalm 8-9, 13
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