I literally only got one shot of this cuteness! We were taking a little break during school, when I hear Mckenna reading one of the little picture books to Addie. By the time I got my camera and took my first shot, Addie had turned around, saw me and that was it. It was a horrible picture, blurry and all, but we captured a memory I don't want to forget!
Please pray for our dear friends the Lowes. Matt and Helen are 2 of the most godly people you will meet and have been walking through a severe trial for many years. Matt has a brain tumor and has undergone 4 surgeries so far for it. Starting on Thursday evening, he has been experiencing one seizure after another, and doctors have not been able to stop them and do not know what is causing them. Please pray for them.
Read more...Last week Addie took a bit of a fall...err, I dropped her. BUT, I was actually trying to protect her! As with everyone else in Maryland, we have been infested with the not so likeable stink bugs. Dave had just told me Wednesday evening that they do bite and it stings!
With the warm weather last week, they were out and flying everywhere. At one point on Thursday afternoon, we needed to go to the store and so I started to gather everyone up. I was carrying out Addie to the van, when I saw one flying right toward her in my arms. All I could think was, "Get her out of it's path, duck, do something!" In an effort to keep it from landing on her, I spun around, ducked and she went flying out of my arms on the driveway. I was about 2 feet above the ground, but it was a hard fall. I went running over to the Brewers in tears. Jen took her and we worked on calming her down. Dave and Jen thought she was ok. She was alert and perky after awhile, but a little later, Dave took her to the ER to get her checked out. I cried off and on this whole time, feeling like the worst mom ever! But the doctor said she was just fine and I could not have been happier when she and Dave returned home.
It was not until Saturday that I took a picture of her. She looked much better by then and the huge bump was just a bruise. I'm grateful she'll never remember it!
As for the stink bugs and my thoughts on them...that's a whole post in itself!
Today marks two years since Alivia entered our lives. I awoke this morning, with vivid memories of being in labor with her and the joy of meeting her for the first time.
So many thoughts filled my mind today. At one point, I was pondering how merciful the Lord has been to us, in giving us another little girlie so quickly. Although she in no way replaces Alivia or takes the pain away, she has been an immense source of joy and her cheerful, easy, and affectionate personality is just what our family has needed in this season. The Lord has carried us and sustained us as we have walked through this most challenging trial of our lives and also the numerous other trials that have accompanied it.
I read something recently by John Piper that I love. He writes, "The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity is not quick relief, but the well-grounded confidence that what is happening to us is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe - the glorification of the grace and power of his Son - the grace and power that bore him to the cross and kept him there until the work of love was done. That's what God is building into our lives."
We have known anything, but quick relief in this trial and the others since, although that is often what I have desired. However, His grace has become more glorious to us and the Cross more magnificent in our eyes. He continues to do a great work in us.
Read more...
This is probably the first and last time you will see an H2O post twice in a row here! That's because I'm linking to someone else's blog who just wrote a very helpful post on the topic of comforting others in grief. Read here.
Read more...After writing my previous post on reading, I realized that it might be helpful to write up something more general about all the mental challenges that accompanied grief for me (and in ways still does). From there I might touch more specifically on certain areas that fall within this.
From the moment we found Alivia's lifeless body, my mind went into shock. From that point, lasting days and weeks on end, my mind and thoughts were doing things that I had never experienced before. The mind can only process so much at one time, and my mind was totally preoccupied with processing what just happened, was it real, and a multitude of things, too many to list. On top of that, was just the utter depths of sadness and sorrow. And also that my mind was exhausted. So, that left little room for thinking through normal life stuff.
For many months, others around me had to make decisions, think through and help clarify and explain things that would have been easy for the normal person to process. I was very slow and could barely do much with my days. I remember so many times, my sister would ask me if I wanted to do a certain thing on a given day or how I wanted to go about handling something and I literally could not give her an answer. She would just make a decision for me and go with it. I honestly did not care much about certain details and was just grateful someone was helping to decide something for me. And I knew that if I needed to, I could voice a preference. But that rarely happened.
During this season, I was also extremely forgetful. In the month following Alivia's death, I forgot my dad's birthday and neglected to include Dave's brother-in-law in a surprise party for him, to name a few. I even remember being in the grocery store and not even remembering why I was there. Added to this was the sleeping meds that I was on. In the early weeks it was hard to just close my eyes at any point during the day, especially at night. Memories would flood my mind. I took something at night that knocked me out and it was a means of grace for that season. However, they started to have adverse effects. I would do things that I later did not remember doing and even left burners on and faucets running for hours. Soon after these incidents, with God's help, I started to sleep with out the use of aids. But I still was forgetful of things that I normally would not have been, simply due to the grieving.
After awhile, all of this was frustrating for me. My capacity for doing things was so minimized. It was very humbling and the Lord did use that time to show me more of Him and His strength in my weakness. He did provide for every need. Dave wonderfully led me during this time. I remember trying to go about reading friend's blogs and all they were doing. It was the holiday season. I read about and saw pictures of other moms going about normal traditions with their kids - making cookies, crafts, and gifts. It was so tempting for me. I just could not do any of that. In fact, I needed help just to make cranberry bread for neighbors for Christmas. So, Dave asked me not to read blogs for a season and to minimize how much I was reading online. This was so helpful and enabled me to concentrate on the very simple things of life - clothing and feeding the girls, getting rest, and trusting God.
One thing I was able to do and served me was typing out my thoughts, fears and ways that I saw God at work. I did this primarily on my blog. It was too hard for me to write with pen and paper. My mind was so distracted when I tried to do this and I was often left crying. Typing was was easier. And because I was so desperate for the prayers of others, this was a way for friends and family to see where I was at and where I needed prayer. I also wanted to give God glory for each day that he carried me through and for others to see that I had met my absolute greatest fear face to face, and in it, God was sustaining me. As I think back, these were the times that the Lord gave me the most clarity of thought. No, I didn't understand much of what was going on, wasn't even able to remember how to cook a meal, but the Lord enabled me to think through and wrestle with truth like never before. And fruit was born in my soul.
During this season, I remember regularly thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:9,10b, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me...For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I was so weak, mentally, physically and emotionally. But the Lord was using my weakness to strengthen my soul. And He gave me the grace sufficient for each day. There were days that my mind was so full of pain that all I could do was cry and have my little girls pray for me. And even though I could not bake with them, or cook for them, the Lord was even doing a work in their hearts. He was imparting to them a desire for heaven and a better understanding of our Savior who has rescued our souls from the curse of sin and death.
If you are walking through grief, you probably can relate to the mental challenges I've touched on and many that I've haven't even mentioned (there are many). This is so normal. Where others are offering to help, let them. In fact, let them help as much as they are willing. It's a season for you to receive care and much of it. If someone asks you about preferences or to make a decision that you just cannot make at the moment, tell them so. And ask them to make the decision for you. Also, give yourself lots of time. Your mind will slowly start to process better, but it can take a long time. God will help you.
A word to friends and family. Be very understanding and patient during these times. Your grieving friend or relative is not going to remember or be able to process much. You may not receive returned emails or phone calls, even if you are a very close friend. It will best serve your grieving friend if you don't question them or make conclusions ("she's mad at me," or "I offended her", etc.). Just know her limitations and continue to serve, think the best and pray for her. Offer services or better yet, just tell her you will be doing _________ (making a meal, cleaning their house, babysitting, etc.) and simply ask that them to tell you if it would not serve. I often found that it was more helpful for someone to tell me they were going to do something for me as opposed to asking if they could.
School is coming along for Mckenna. Math takes the most time each day. Today was a hard day with it. She just wasn't getting some of the concepts. When we were done counting money we went to review and work on using a ruler. She's learning about measuring with inches. It was refreshing for both of us that it was coming so easy and she was getting every problem right.
Days are getting shorter around here and we are soaking up the last bit of summer. we packed up some popcorn and snacks and headed to the park...
The other night we were eating out on the deck. After dinner I looked over and Mckenna was measuring Addie's head with a piece of paper. A few moments later she had put together a little hat that looked like a miniature version of an Indian headdress, except this one with a leaf. She's so creative and artsy like her dad. Anyway, it was so cute!
Sisters!
The other night we had a family picnic at the park. It was one of those lovely, cool evenings we had over the weekend. Addie got her very first ride on a swing...
...and she loved it!
After writing my previous post on reading, I realized that it might be helpful to write up something more general about all the mental challenges that accompanied grief for me (and in ways still does). From there I might touch more specifically on certain areas that fall within this.
from Addie. When she laughs everyone laughs. I love her little contagious belly laugh. Enjoy!
Addie Laughs from Heather Castro on Vimeo.
Read more...A new little business and a new blog to go with it, Making Old Things New.
Read more...I wanted to share a few good books on the topic of grieving and suffering that I have read recently. However, as I thought about doing this, I realized that probably more important that just mentioning books would be to say that it has taken me nearly 2 years to read some good material on this topic...yes, close to 2 years! That may come as a surprise, and for that reason I knew I needed to share why.
After Alivia was gone from us, you can imagine the shock that my body went through. Never before in my life, did I have to process so much pain. I was emotionally exhausted beyond anything I had ever undergone. One of the expressions of this was that I could not concentrate easily, was very distracted and even disoriented initially. It was often painful to read, as my mind would just drift to the events of November 2nd. When anyone reads, many times it is quiet. Quiet was hard for me. On top of this was the fact that even when I tried to read months later, I could not absorb much. I would read a page or even just a paragraph, re-read it and read it again. Still, I often could not tell you what I just read. This was frustrating to me. I don't know why this was. But it was part of the grieving process for me. I was tempted to think that I was going to move backward in my spiritual walk as my spiritual disciplines looked so very different from what they used to be.
Honestly, my devotions for a very long time consisted of opening up a notebook, which contained a collection of scriptures and quotes, and reading just one. This was given to me from a dear friend who had gathered it's contents from others after she had received word of Alivia's death. Right before bed, I would simply read one thing from this notebook, and then thank God for the strength and mercy given me that day and ask for more to sustain me the following day. That's all I did...it's all I could do. And often it was done through many tears.
A number of weeks later, I picked up Beside Still Waters and read one page a day along with a few verses. I've gradually built up from there, but I'll say that even today I can't seem to read as much as I used to, prior to losing Alivia.
There were a number of books recommended to me or given to me after we lost Alivia. I was grateful, and even tried to dive into them. But I just could not. Some had helped others, but I was not ready for them or they simply did not serve me.
Last summer, I wanted to try to get back into reading hunks at a time. Dave suggested getting some fiction books. I was at the library one day and happened upon a number of books written by Beverly Lewis. She has written a number of series on the Amish, from Lancaster, PA. I have always loved Lancaster and the Amish (in fact, when I was a little girl I wanted to be Amish!). These were just what I needed. I read so many of her books last year as the girls and I enjoyed many picnics at parks over the spring and summer. I would read as they played and during rest times in the afternoon and in the evening. It was almost as if I had to retrain my brain to read.
This year, as I mentioned earlier, I have read a number of great books on the topic of grieving and suffering. As trials and challenges continue to purify our lives, I have been very served by these books. They have helped me think more biblically about suffering and given me fresh hope in the midst of it.
I share all this in the hope that it might encourage those who are walking a very hard road. Give your mind much grace. I had to learn to not evaluate my spiritual well-being by what I was doing (devotions, studying/reading, serving, etc.) but rather rest, not worrying about what I could not do, but knowing that the Lord was the one "doing." He was and is at work in my heart doing far more that I could ever do myself. I believe the Lord is very glorified by a broken heart crying out for mercy when it can do nothing else. That was me. I was incapable of doing much more. For the grieving person, normal functions and abilities will often be hampered (I'll share more on this in later posts). By God's grace, they will slowly return. Maybe not completely, but they will improve.
And quite a few of them. For a few amateurs who weren't really sure what we were doing, we ended up having a fairly successful year at the fair. I was so very excited when we walked into the art building and found Mckenna's blue ribbons. I was practically jumping up and down!! She, however, needed to be convinced. She wanted the big fluffy purple ribbon (which is understandable - it's pretty and represents the best of the best). But after trying to tell her that the blue ribbon means she did VERY good, she then didn't understand why she couldn't have a pink ribbon (6th place). The girl is all about what it looks like and if it's her favorite color. Blue just wasn't cutting it!
Anyway, all her work did excellent. She received 2 blue first place ribbons, 2 second place ribbons, 1 third place ribbon, 1 fourth place ribbon and 1 honorable mention. Not bad, considering she was competing with other kids up to 12 years old. I was one proud momma!
I got a few ribbons myself - 1 blue first place, 1 third, 1 fourth, 2 fifth and 1 sixth.
I'll post later the exact pictures that won! On the baking side of things, we did ok. Mckenna got honorable mention for her sour cream fudge cake, I got a fifth place for my peach pound cake and sixth for my canned applesauce.
This post was for you, Carmen! :)
Yesterday Dave and I celebrated our 8th anniversary. So many things have transpired in the 8 years since we made our vows to each other, promising "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death due us part." And in these 8 years, we have had numerous opportunities to exercise these promises. Through God's grace he has enabled us to grow in our love and respect for each other through the better and worse, richer and poorer of life.
My girls love the fair! It's probably one highlight of their summer when they get to go and see all the animals, ride the ponies and enjoy lemonade.
According to Wikipedia, "Water is the only common substance found naturally in all three common states of matter and it is essential for life on Earth." Water is also the one chemical compound we can remember from chemistry class....H2OAs promised, I want to begin posting more on the topic of grieving, as we have experienced it and what we have learned. As I've contemplated doing this, I wanted to have a subject title for all the posts that pertain to this, something that summed up my desire in them. The word that kept coming back to me and others I talked with was, HOPE. Jesus, because of what He has done for us, has hope to offer (H2O). And that hope has been living water for my soul over the past 2 years now. This hope, in the midst of life's most difficult trials and unimaginable pain, is essential for our souls and carries us on through suffering. And I know it will carry me on to the day when I'll see my little girl again.It is my desire that these posts on grieving will highlight the gospel and the hope we have through Jesus. I'm no writer and as I've said before, am so aware that there are countless others who have suffered much more than I have. But this is my feeble effort to serve the many around me who are walking through such hard trials right now, as well as friends of those suffering.These posts will probably be very few and far between my others. As is with everyone, life is full and crazy. And I'm now an official homeschooling mom! We started last week. I feel like I'm in a major juggling act of priorities and responsibilities. But I will write when I can and hope to include others in these posts as well.Jesus has hope to offer us, even in the midst of tragedy, loss and pain. And in the midst of grieving that hope is water for the soul, an anchor to sustain us. Stay tuned for more H2O posts!
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