H2O: reading
I wanted to share a few good books on the topic of grieving and suffering that I have read recently. However, as I thought about doing this, I realized that probably more important that just mentioning books would be to say that it has taken me nearly 2 years to read some good material on this topic...yes, close to 2 years! That may come as a surprise, and for that reason I knew I needed to share why.
After Alivia was gone from us, you can imagine the shock that my body went through. Never before in my life, did I have to process so much pain. I was emotionally exhausted beyond anything I had ever undergone. One of the expressions of this was that I could not concentrate easily, was very distracted and even disoriented initially. It was often painful to read, as my mind would just drift to the events of November 2nd. When anyone reads, many times it is quiet. Quiet was hard for me. On top of this was the fact that even when I tried to read months later, I could not absorb much. I would read a page or even just a paragraph, re-read it and read it again. Still, I often could not tell you what I just read. This was frustrating to me. I don't know why this was. But it was part of the grieving process for me. I was tempted to think that I was going to move backward in my spiritual walk as my spiritual disciplines looked so very different from what they used to be.
Honestly, my devotions for a very long time consisted of opening up a notebook, which contained a collection of scriptures and quotes, and reading just one. This was given to me from a dear friend who had gathered it's contents from others after she had received word of Alivia's death. Right before bed, I would simply read one thing from this notebook, and then thank God for the strength and mercy given me that day and ask for more to sustain me the following day. That's all I did...it's all I could do. And often it was done through many tears.
A number of weeks later, I picked up Beside Still Waters and read one page a day along with a few verses. I've gradually built up from there, but I'll say that even today I can't seem to read as much as I used to, prior to losing Alivia.
There were a number of books recommended to me or given to me after we lost Alivia. I was grateful, and even tried to dive into them. But I just could not. Some had helped others, but I was not ready for them or they simply did not serve me.
Last summer, I wanted to try to get back into reading hunks at a time. Dave suggested getting some fiction books. I was at the library one day and happened upon a number of books written by Beverly Lewis. She has written a number of series on the Amish, from Lancaster, PA. I have always loved Lancaster and the Amish (in fact, when I was a little girl I wanted to be Amish!). These were just what I needed. I read so many of her books last year as the girls and I enjoyed many picnics at parks over the spring and summer. I would read as they played and during rest times in the afternoon and in the evening. It was almost as if I had to retrain my brain to read.
This year, as I mentioned earlier, I have read a number of great books on the topic of grieving and suffering. As trials and challenges continue to purify our lives, I have been very served by these books. They have helped me think more biblically about suffering and given me fresh hope in the midst of it.
I share all this in the hope that it might encourage those who are walking a very hard road. Give your mind much grace. I had to learn to not evaluate my spiritual well-being by what I was doing (devotions, studying/reading, serving, etc.) but rather rest, not worrying about what I could not do, but knowing that the Lord was the one "doing." He was and is at work in my heart doing far more that I could ever do myself. I believe the Lord is very glorified by a broken heart crying out for mercy when it can do nothing else. That was me. I was incapable of doing much more. For the grieving person, normal functions and abilities will often be hampered (I'll share more on this in later posts). By God's grace, they will slowly return. Maybe not completely, but they will improve.
If you are fairly new to the road of grief, may you take comfort in the grace of your Savior, even if you cannot do much right now. Your body and mind are processing more pain than you may have experienced before. It takes much work and is exhausting. The Lord knows that and He will sustain you. You may even need someone to read one scripture a day to you. And that is fine.
For those who would like a few recommendations on good reads, here are a few to get you started. I have found them most helpful to me in the last number months. My soul has been refreshed and encouraged by them.
