Flowers...

from the pumpkin patch. My girls were more interested in flowers and bugs than pumpkins! More to come later from our trip to the patch!


It was a beautiful fall day and the wind was blowing.

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Monumental moments

This past Sunday we dedicated Adelyn Alivia to the Lord at our church. It was a moment full of very mixed emotions for me. Ever since losing Alivia, baby dedications at our church have been extremely hard for me. Yes I rejoice with all the parents very much, but it's also a bittersweet moment where the wound in my heart is more deeply felt. So, as we stood on Sunday, I was remembering our little girl who is no longer with us, but also giving thanks for the amazing gift that little Addie is. I don't think a day goes by where we don't comment in our home, how much we love her, how cute she is, what a perfect baby God gave us, or how we can't imagine life without her.

Then on Monday, Addie officially turned 10 months old. Hard to believe. Before we know it, she'll be one! In honor of her dedication, I took her outside on Sunday evening to capture of a few pictures. I could not choose a favorite, so bear with me as I post a ton :)

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A flower

Almost daily Selah will ask me, "mom can I pick a flower for you?" I regularly see little vases around the house with everything from weeds to grass to real flowers. I love it. Reminds me to treasure these little girls that are growing so fast. Yesterday this is what she handed me. The vase was filled with water and the little one inch stem was stuck down in, barely touching the water. Sweet girl.

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What we need

Read this today. It's from a book that I received for my birthday recently. The author, Nancy Guthrie, is talking about how Jesus submitted to God, even against his fleshly desires, in the garden of Gethsemane.

"Jesus knows what it feels like to bring a heartfelt, passionate prayer to God and to hear God say, in effect, 'I've got something else in mind. I have another plan. And that plan is going to involve intense suffering on your part.' Somehow it helps me to know that Jesus wrestled with God's plan for his life - and his death - even as he submitted to it, because I, too, have wrestled with God's plan for my life even as I have sought to submit to it. Maybe you have too."

Later Nancy writes...

"What we need most is not to hear God say yes to our requests. What we need is to be filled with such deep confidence in the character of our Father that when he says no, we know he is doing what is right and good for us. What we need most is the faith to trust him.

Some claim that strong faith is defined by throwing our energies into begging God for a miracle that will take away our suffering and then believing without doubting that he will do it. But faith is not measured by our ability to manipulate God to get what we want; it is measured by our willingness to submit to what he wants.

It takes great faith to say to God, 'Even if you don't heal me or the one I love, even if you don't change my circumstances, even if you don't restore this relationship, even if you allow me to lose what is most precious to me, I will still love you and obey you and believe that you are good. And I believe that you, as my loving Father, will use everything in my life - even the hard and hurtful things - for my ultimate good and your eternal glory, because you love me.' " -Nancy Guthrie

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Cherrio girl

This little girl loves her cherrios. She's been sick lately and refusing to eat, but put cherrios on her tray and she inhales them!

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H2O | questions

My sister sent the following article to me, mentioning that the writer (Frank James who lost a close brother) articulated so many of her own thoughts and questions that she has been unable to. It's a very honest and open look into the emotions and questions that can accompany grief. Particularly, where was God and why did He allow this? It's very well done and was encouraging to read. I can so relate to this following statement:

"Grief is a relentless predator. Those who have lost loved ones tell me that one never completely escapes it. Strangely, a part of me does not want the grief to stop, because the grief itself is a connection to Kelly (his brother). Yet another part of me is so weary from carrying the burden of a broken heart."

Read the full article here.

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Toilet paper pumpkins

Yesterday we made these very simple and easy pumpkins. They look great and make great fall decorations. It was something both my girls could do easily with just a little help from mom stuffing in the newspaper and fabric. All you need is:

Toilet paper rolls (one for each pumpkin)
Newspaper (one sheet per pumpkin)
Fabric fat quarters
Twigs
Ribbon

Lay each piece of fabric down, covered by one piece of newspaper. Put your TP roll in the center. Then stuff the paper in the hole working around in a circle.



Then do the same with the fabric.







Next, take a twig and stick it down into the center. And finally tie a bow around the twig. Voila!





Mckenna does not like bows at all and, of course would not even entertain the thought of adding one to hers. So, she cut out a butterfly to add...

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Fall Festival

On Saturday, we all went as a family to the Back-in-Time Fall Festival at the Agricultural Farm. What a great time we had. It was the perfect fall day and the girls had a blast. They learned about the ways of doing many different things years ago and had lots of hands activities to participate in. With Dave so busy with work for so long and weekends being catch up days, we really have not had opportunity to do too much all together, so this was a treat.


Tinsmithing


Gardening

Grinding corn


Laundry

Steam tractor


Little Miss Addie enjoying the afternoon

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Story time

I literally only got one shot of this cuteness! We were taking a little break during school, when I hear Mckenna reading one of the little picture books to Addie. By the time I got my camera and took my first shot, Addie had turned around, saw me and that was it. It was a horrible picture, blurry and all, but we captured a memory I don't want to forget!

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The Lowes

Please pray for our dear friends the Lowes. Matt and Helen are 2 of the most godly people you will meet and have been walking through a severe trial for many years. Matt has a brain tumor and has undergone 4 surgeries so far for it. Starting on Thursday evening, he has been experiencing one seizure after another, and doctors have not been able to stop them and do not know what is causing them. Please pray for them.

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Ouch!

Last week Addie took a bit of a fall...err, I dropped her. BUT, I was actually trying to protect her! As with everyone else in Maryland, we have been infested with the not so likeable stink bugs. Dave had just told me Wednesday evening that they do bite and it stings!

With the warm weather last week, they were out and flying everywhere. At one point on Thursday afternoon, we needed to go to the store and so I started to gather everyone up. I was carrying out Addie to the van, when I saw one flying right toward her in my arms. All I could think was, "Get her out of it's path, duck, do something!" In an effort to keep it from landing on her, I spun around, ducked and she went flying out of my arms on the driveway. I was about 2 feet above the ground, but it was a hard fall. I went running over to the Brewers in tears. Jen took her and we worked on calming her down. Dave and Jen thought she was ok. She was alert and perky after awhile, but a little later, Dave took her to the ER to get her checked out. I cried off and on this whole time, feeling like the worst mom ever! But the doctor said she was just fine and I could not have been happier when she and Dave returned home.

It was not until Saturday that I took a picture of her. She looked much better by then and the huge bump was just a bruise. I'm grateful she'll never remember it!

As for the stink bugs and my thoughts on them...that's a whole post in itself!

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2 years

Today marks two years since Alivia entered our lives. I awoke this morning, with vivid memories of being in labor with her and the joy of meeting her for the first time.

So many thoughts filled my mind today. At one point, I was pondering how merciful the Lord has been to us, in giving us another little girlie so quickly. Although she in no way replaces Alivia or takes the pain away, she has been an immense source of joy and her cheerful, easy, and affectionate personality is just what our family has needed in this season. The Lord has carried us and sustained us as we have walked through this most challenging trial of our lives and also the numerous other trials that have accompanied it.

I read something recently by John Piper that I love. He writes, "The deepest need that you and I have in weakness and adversity is not quick relief, but the well-grounded confidence that what is happening to us is part of the greatest purpose of God in the universe - the glorification of the grace and power of his Son - the grace and power that bore him to the cross and kept him there until the work of love was done. That's what God is building into our lives."

We have known anything, but quick relief in this trial and the others since, although that is often what I have desired. However, His grace has become more glorious to us and the Cross more magnificent in our eyes. He continues to do a great work in us.

The pain still stings greatly. And as I visited the cemetery today, tears flowed. It's often surreal, the fact that I have walked through losing a child. But it's also a comforting thought to know that one of my babies already knows the wonders of heaven...the place I long to be!

Thanks to all of you who have remembered with us today, and to everyone who continues to carry us on your hearts through your prayers. We are so grateful.

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H2O | Comforting others

This is probably the first and last time you will see an H2O post twice in a row here! That's because I'm linking to someone else's blog who just wrote a very helpful post on the topic of comforting others in grief. Read here.

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H2O | a grieving mind

After writing my previous post on reading, I realized that it might be helpful to write up something more general about all the mental challenges that accompanied grief for me (and in ways still does). From there I might touch more specifically on certain areas that fall within this.

From the moment we found Alivia's lifeless body, my mind went into shock. From that point, lasting days and weeks on end, my mind and thoughts were doing things that I had never experienced before. The mind can only process so much at one time, and my mind was totally preoccupied with processing what just happened, was it real, and a multitude of things, too many to list. On top of that, was just the utter depths of sadness and sorrow. And also that my mind was exhausted. So, that left little room for thinking through normal life stuff.

For many months, others around me had to make decisions, think through and help clarify and explain things that would have been easy for the normal person to process. I was very slow and could barely do much with my days. I remember so many times, my sister would ask me if I wanted to do a certain thing on a given day or how I wanted to go about handling something and I literally could not give her an answer. She would just make a decision for me and go with it. I honestly did not care much about certain details and was just grateful someone was helping to decide something for me. And I knew that if I needed to, I could voice a preference. But that rarely happened.

During this season, I was also extremely forgetful. In the month following Alivia's death, I forgot my dad's birthday and neglected to include Dave's brother-in-law in a surprise party for him, to name a few. I even remember being in the grocery store and not even remembering why I was there. Added to this was the sleeping meds that I was on. In the early weeks it was hard to just close my eyes at any point during the day, especially at night. Memories would flood my mind. I took something at night that knocked me out and it was a means of grace for that season. However, they started to have adverse effects. I would do things that I later did not remember doing and even left burners on and faucets running for hours. Soon after these incidents, with God's help, I started to sleep with out the use of aids. But I still was forgetful of things that I normally would not have been, simply due to the grieving.

After awhile, all of this was frustrating for me. My capacity for doing things was so minimized. It was very humbling and the Lord did use that time to show me more of Him and His strength in my weakness. He did provide for every need. Dave wonderfully led me during this time. I remember trying to go about reading friend's blogs and all they were doing. It was the holiday season. I read about and saw pictures of other moms going about normal traditions with their kids - making cookies, crafts, and gifts. It was so tempting for me. I just could not do any of that. In fact, I needed help just to make cranberry bread for neighbors for Christmas. So, Dave asked me not to read blogs for a season and to minimize how much I was reading online. This was so helpful and enabled me to concentrate on the very simple things of life - clothing and feeding the girls, getting rest, and trusting God.

One thing I was able to do and served me was typing out my thoughts, fears and ways that I saw God at work. I did this primarily on my blog. It was too hard for me to write with pen and paper. My mind was so distracted when I tried to do this and I was often left crying. Typing was was easier. And because I was so desperate for the prayers of others, this was a way for friends and family to see where I was at and where I needed prayer. I also wanted to give God glory for each day that he carried me through and for others to see that I had met my absolute greatest fear face to face, and in it, God was sustaining me. As I think back, these were the times that the Lord gave me the most clarity of thought. No, I didn't understand much of what was going on, wasn't even able to remember how to cook a meal, but the Lord enabled me to think through and wrestle with truth like never before. And fruit was born in my soul.

During this season, I remember regularly thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:9,10b, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me...For when I am weak, then I am strong."

I was so weak, mentally, physically and emotionally. But the Lord was using my weakness to strengthen my soul. And He gave me the grace sufficient for each day. There were days that my mind was so full of pain that all I could do was cry and have my little girls pray for me. And even though I could not bake with them, or cook for them, the Lord was even doing a work in their hearts. He was imparting to them a desire for heaven and a better understanding of our Savior who has rescued our souls from the curse of sin and death.

If you are walking through grief, you probably can relate to the mental challenges I've touched on and many that I've haven't even mentioned (there are many). This is so normal. Where others are offering to help, let them. In fact, let them help as much as they are willing. It's a season for you to receive care and much of it. If someone asks you about preferences or to make a decision that you just cannot make at the moment, tell them so. And ask them to make the decision for you. Also, give yourself lots of time. Your mind will slowly start to process better, but it can take a long time. God will help you.

A word to friends and family. Be very understanding and patient during these times. Your grieving friend or relative is not going to remember or be able to process much. You may not receive returned emails or phone calls, even if you are a very close friend. It will best serve your grieving friend if you don't question them or make conclusions ("she's mad at me," or "I offended her", etc.). Just know her limitations and continue to serve, think the best and pray for her. Offer services or better yet, just tell her you will be doing _________ (making a meal, cleaning their house, babysitting, etc.) and simply ask that them to tell you if it would not serve. I often found that it was more helpful for someone to tell me they were going to do something for me as opposed to asking if they could.

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Math conversations

School is coming along for Mckenna. Math takes the most time each day. Today was a hard day with it. She just wasn't getting some of the concepts. When we were done counting money we went to review and work on using a ruler. She's learning about measuring with inches. It was refreshing for both of us that it was coming so easy and she was getting every problem right.

Me: Good job! I think you'll be good at measuring.

Mc: I love inching! But now I need a rest from numbers.

I laughed.

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popcorn picnic

Days are getting shorter around here and we are soaking up the last bit of summer. we packed up some popcorn and snacks and headed to the park...

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Indian hat for Addie

The other night we were eating out on the deck. After dinner I looked over and Mckenna was measuring Addie's head with a piece of paper. A few moments later she had put together a little hat that looked like a miniature version of an Indian headdress, except this one with a leaf. She's so creative and artsy like her dad. Anyway, it was so cute!




Sisters!

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Swing

The other night we had a family picnic at the park. It was one of those lovely, cool evenings we had over the weekend. Addie got her very first ride on a swing...



...and she loved it!

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H2O | mental challenges

After writing my previous post on reading, I realized that it might be helpful to write up something more general about all the mental challenges that accompanied grief for me (and in ways still does). From there I might touch more specifically on certain areas that fall within this.

From the moment we found Alivia's lifeless body, our minds went into shock. From that point, lasting days and weeks on end, my mind and thoughts were doing things that I had never experienced before. The mind can only process so much at one time, and my mind was totally preoccupied with processing what just happened, was it real, and a multitude of things, too many to list. On top of that, was just the utter depths of sadness and sorrow. And also that my mind was exhausted. So, that left little room for thinking through normal life stuff.

For many months, others around me had to make decisions, think through and help clarify and explain things that would have been easy for the normal person to process. I was very slow and could barely do much with my days. I remember so many times, my sister would ask me if I wanted to do a certain thing on a given day or how I wanted to go about handling something and I literally could not give her an answer. She would just make a decision for me and go with it. I honestly did not care much about certain details and was just grateful someone was helping to decide something for me. And I knew that if I needed to, I could voice a preference. But that rarely happened.

During this season, I was also extremely forgetful. In the month following Alivia's death, I forgot my dad's birthday and neglected to include Dave's brother-in-law in a surprise party for him, to name a few. I even remember being in the grocery store and not even remembering why I was there. Added to this was the sleeping meds that I was on. In the early weeks it was hard to just close my eyes at any point during the day, especially at night. Memories would flood my mind. I took something at night that knocked me out and it was a means of grace for that season. However, they started to have adverse effects. I would do things that I later did not remember doing and even left burners on and faucets running for hours. Soon after these incidents, with God's help, I started to sleep with out the use of aids. But I still was forgetful of things that I normally would not have been, simply due to the grieving.

After awhile, all of this was frustrating for me. My capacity for doing things was so minimized. It was very humbling and the Lord did use that time to show me more of Him and His strength in my weakness. He did provide for every need. Dave wonderfully led me during this time. I remember trying to go about reading friend's blogs and all they were doing. It was the holiday season. I read about and saw pictures of other moms going about normal traditions with their kids - making cookies, crafts, and gifts. It was so tempting for me. I just could not do any of that. In fact, I needed help just to make cranberry bread for neighbors for Christmas. So, Dave asked me not to read blogs for a season and to minimize how much I was reading online. This was so helpful and enabled me to concentrate on the very simple things of life - clothing and feeding the girls, getting rest, and trusting God.

One thing I was able to do and served me was typing out my thoughts, fears and ways that I saw God at work. I did this primarily on my blog. It was too hard for me to write with pen and paper. My mind was so distracted when I tried to do this and I was often left crying. Typing was was easier. And because I was so desperate for the prayers of others, this was a way for friends and family to see where I was at and where I needed prayer. I also wanted to give God glory for each day that he carried me through and for others to see that I had met my absolute greatest fear face to face, and in it, God was sustaining me. As I think back, these were the times that the Lord gave me the most clarity of thought. No, I didn't understand much of what was going on, wasn't even able to remember how to cook a meal, but the Lord enabled me to think through and wrestle with truth like never before. And fruit was born in my soul.

During this season, I remember regularly thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I was so weak, mentally, physically and emotionally. But the Lord was using my weakness to strengthen my soul. And He gave me the grace sufficient for each day. There were days that my mind was so full of pain that all I could do was cry and have my little girls pray for me. And even though I could not bake with them, or cook for them, the Lord was even doing a work in their hearts that I don't think would have been accomplished otherwise.

If you are walking through grief, you probably can relate to the mental challenges I've touched on and many that I've haven't even mentioned (there are many). This is so normal. Where others are offering to help, let them. In fact, let them help as much as they are willing. It's a season for you to receive care and much of it. If someone asks you about preferences or to make a decision you just can't, tell them so. And ask them to make the decision for you. Also, give yourself lots of time. Your mind will slowly start to process better, but it can take a long time. God will help you.

A word to friends and family. Be very understanding and patient during these times. Your grieving friend or relative is not going to remember or be able to process much. Offer services or just tell them you will be doing _________ (making a meal, cleaning their house, babysitting, etc.) and just ask that they tell you if it would not serve. I often found that it was more helpful for someone to tell me they were going to do something for me as opposed to asking if they could.

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More laughs...

from Addie. When she laughs everyone laughs. I love her little contagious belly laugh. Enjoy!

Addie Laughs from Heather Castro on Vimeo.

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Introducing...

A new little business and a new blog to go with it, Making Old Things New.

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