A thought has regularly been in my mind. It keeps coming back, as if to remind me of my weakness and the challenges of this past year. A first I'd fought it...
Christmas will be different this year.
God has graciously blessed me with gifts of administration and planning ahead. A love to do many things. Yet I've seen the pride in my heart over that. A desire for others to see, know and approve. Through a life altering event and the challenges after, God is slowly peeling back layers. He's brought me low. And I'm better for it. I don't have the capacity I used to.
I don't quite understand it, but trials have a way of limiting the body and mind. They have done this for me. Yes, I've fought it. The two years after Alivia died, I hated that I couldn't do all that I'd been accustomed to. When I tried I was overwhelmed, and felt defeated.
Then came this past year. With the health challenges, the move, medications that exhaust, and among other circumstances, God brought me to another level of lowliness. Those times that I initially called horrible, I now see as good. The ugly made beautiful.
So, here I am. It's the season of Christmas. And the numerous birthdays for us this month.
It will be different, right?
I haven't planned. I'm often very tired. I feel very behind and lacking the zeal for doing a lot this year. Back from Maryland a week now, I have a short 2 1/2 more weeks to get all things "Christmas" done before we leave again. As well as plow through with school, when I would normally take the month off. We won't be able to go cut down a tree as our tradition stands. Instead, we'll drive a mile up the road to Kroger's, our local grocery store, to buy a little precut one. The decorations and ornaments are packed somewhere in a mass of storage. All but a few will stay there. Instead, we'll string popcorn and make gingerbread for a little tree. I'll put a red berry wreath on our door and put just a few decorations up. I have new Christmas pillows in mind that I'd like to make, but they won't get done. Addie and Hailey still don't have stockings made, and they too, won't get done. We'll bake some cookies and play some Christmas music. There are a plethora of fun activities I'd love to enjoy, but we don't have the time or resources. Gifts will be simple. Not as many. Cards will not get mailed this year. And I won't be able to host all my family in the home I miss on Christmas day.
Different? Is Christmas different this year? Not really.
It's me who's different. Christmas hasn't changed. What I've made Christmas to be has changed. I love traditions, the many ways to celebrate. But it's not what Christmas is. Celebrating our Savior's birth, relishing in the fact that the Son of God came to save me. Me! A sinner who has scorned His name over and over. And this year I'm so much more aware than ever all He has done for me, how much I have that I don't deserve. He had me in mind when He came to earth, humble and meek, to die for me. That's what Christmas is. It hasn't changed.
The essence of Christmas, Christ's birth, has always been important to me. But this year, I feel like it's what I'm holding onto, gaining joy from, in a whole new way. With things changing in our lives, the Lord taking things away, adding new, limitations, I don't want my daily focus to be on what I used to do, have, or experience. Wherever we are, whatever we are doing, if all is taken away, we have Christ. For all eternity, we will have Christ.
I'll tell my girls over and over this month about what He has done for me, for us. We'll sing songs about His birth. I'll tell my girls the many ways we are blessed and remind them all that we have and that so many don't have. We'll dance in the kitchen. We'll read books and recount the Christmas story. I will find the advent calendar I made last year and we'll go through that every day, remembering why we celebrate. We'll give gifts this year, gifts that will have more meaning for our girls. They want to give to others. Instead of us giving gifts to them, they want to use the money to bless others, those who won't otherwise have any. The Savior has given so much to us, we're learning to place the focus on giving too.
What's amazing to me is I'm fine with the way things are this year. Instead of a Christmas season frantically trying to get done all that I think I'm supposed to, having days insanely busy with to-do's, I think it might just be a little more peaceful. Simple and more time to focus on why He came. Why He gave us Christmas. I can't do as much, I won't and it's okay. Different is good.
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