A wake-up game of peekaboo

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H2O: reading

I wanted to share a few good books on the topic of grieving and suffering that I have read recently. However, as I thought about doing this, I realized that probably more important that just mentioning books would be to say that it has taken me nearly 2 years to read some good material on this topic...yes, close to 2 years! That may come as a surprise, and for that reason I knew I needed to share why.

After Alivia was gone from us, you can imagine the shock that my body went through. Never before in my life, did I have to process so much pain. I was emotionally exhausted beyond anything I had ever undergone. One of the expressions of this was that I could not concentrate easily, was very distracted and even disoriented initially. It was often painful to read, as my mind would just drift to the events of November 2nd. When anyone reads, many times it is quiet. Quiet was hard for me. On top of this was the fact that even when I tried to read months later, I could not absorb much. I would read a page or even just a paragraph, re-read it and read it again. Still, I often could not tell you what I just read. This was frustrating to me. I don't know why this was. But it was part of the grieving process for me. I was tempted to think that I was going to move backward in my spiritual walk as my spiritual disciplines looked so very different from what they used to be.

Honestly, my devotions for a very long time consisted of opening up a notebook, which contained a collection of scriptures and quotes, and reading just one. This was given to me from a dear friend who had gathered it's contents from others after she had received word of Alivia's death. Right before bed, I would simply read one thing from this notebook, and then thank God for the strength and mercy given me that day and ask for more to sustain me the following day. That's all I did...it's all I could do. And often it was done through many tears.

A number of weeks later, I picked up Beside Still Waters and read one page a day along with a few verses. I've gradually built up from there, but I'll say that even today I can't seem to read as much as I used to, prior to losing Alivia.

There were a number of books recommended to me or given to me after we lost Alivia. I was grateful, and even tried to dive into them. But I just could not. Some had helped others, but I was not ready for them or they simply did not serve me.

Last summer, I wanted to try to get back into reading hunks at a time. Dave suggested getting some fiction books. I was at the library one day and happened upon a number of books written by Beverly Lewis. She has written a number of series on the Amish, from Lancaster, PA. I have always loved Lancaster and the Amish (in fact, when I was a little girl I wanted to be Amish!). These were just what I needed. I read so many of her books last year as the girls and I enjoyed many picnics at parks over the spring and summer. I would read as they played and during rest times in the afternoon and in the evening. It was almost as if I had to retrain my brain to read.

This year, as I mentioned earlier, I have read a number of great books on the topic of grieving and suffering. As trials and challenges continue to purify our lives, I have been very served by these books. They have helped me think more biblically about suffering and given me fresh hope in the midst of it.

I share all this in the hope that it might encourage those who are walking a very hard road. Give your mind much grace. I had to learn to not evaluate my spiritual well-being by what I was doing (devotions, studying/reading, serving, etc.) but rather rest, not worrying about what I could not do, but knowing that the Lord was the one "doing." He was and is at work in my heart doing far more that I could ever do myself. I believe the Lord is very glorified by a broken heart crying out for mercy when it can do nothing else. That was me. I was incapable of doing much more. For the grieving person, normal functions and abilities will often be hampered (I'll share more on this in later posts). By God's grace, they will slowly return. Maybe not completely, but they will improve.

For those caring for hurting souls, be mindful of this and be very patient. And know that it might take months or years for a book that you think would be perfect for them to actually get read. And it might never be read. There was one book that was given to me by a mom who also lost a baby. It had so served her, but to this day, I have not been able to read it. Everyone grieves differently and that is ok. I would also suggest, if you are a very close friend to someone grieving, compile a notebook of scriptures and quotes. Have someone else read it as well before giving it to them, just to have another set of eyes check for anything that might be less than helpful or not quite timely. Another suggestion is to read for your friends and with them in mind. Read books on suffering and grieving to better help you understand and when you read a quote or scripture that you think will bless them, send it in a quick email. I can't tell you how many times I have received emails with quotes and scriptures on particularly hard days and the timeliness of them was an expression of the Father's knowledge of me and my circumstances. Because I could not read much, these brief quotes and scriptures fed my soul.

If you are fairly new to the road of grief, may you take comfort in the grace of your Savior, even if you cannot do much right now. Your body and mind are processing more pain than you may have experienced before. It takes much work and is exhausting. The Lord knows that and He will sustain you. You may even need someone to read one scripture a day to you. And that is fine.

For those who would like a few recommendations on good reads, here are a few to get you started. I have found them most helpful to me in the last number months. My soul has been refreshed and encouraged by them.

*Does Grace Grow Best in Winter, by Ligon Duncan

*Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor (I have not read the entirety of this book, but Chapter 6 is a must and I would start there!)

*30 Days of Heaven, by Randy Alcorn

*Be Still, My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie

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Ribbons!

And quite a few of them. For a few amateurs who weren't really sure what we were doing, we ended up having a fairly successful year at the fair. I was so very excited when we walked into the art building and found Mckenna's blue ribbons. I was practically jumping up and down!! She, however, needed to be convinced. She wanted the big fluffy purple ribbon (which is understandable - it's pretty and represents the best of the best). But after trying to tell her that the blue ribbon means she did VERY good, she then didn't understand why she couldn't have a pink ribbon (6th place). The girl is all about what it looks like and if it's her favorite color. Blue just wasn't cutting it!

Anyway, all her work did excellent. She received 2 blue first place ribbons, 2 second place ribbons, 1 third place ribbon, 1 fourth place ribbon and 1 honorable mention. Not bad, considering she was competing with other kids up to 12 years old. I was one proud momma!

I got a few ribbons myself - 1 blue first place, 1 third, 1 fourth, 2 fifth and 1 sixth.

I'll post later the exact pictures that won! On the baking side of things, we did ok. Mckenna got honorable mention for her sour cream fudge cake, I got a fifth place for my peach pound cake and sixth for my canned applesauce.

This post was for you, Carmen! :)

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Addie is...

officially sitting up and could not be more proud of herself.

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8 years

Yesterday Dave and I celebrated our 8th anniversary. So many things have transpired in the 8 years since we made our vows to each other, promising "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death due us part." And in these 8 years, we have had numerous opportunities to exercise these promises. Through God's grace he has enabled us to grow in our love and respect for each other through the better and worse, richer and poorer of life.

Dave it is a privilege and joy to be your wife. You have led our family through some of the darkest, hardest trials known to man as we have born grief and hardache together. Thanks for loving me and your family so deeply and for, most of all, loving your Savior so passionately. I respect and love you more today than 8 years ago. You are a constant example to me of humility and reminder of how much we need our Savior's sacrifice and grace on a daily basis. For all these things and more, I am so eternally grateful.

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Fair preparations

My girls love the fair! It's probably one highlight of their summer when they get to go and see all the animals, ride the ponies and enjoy lemonade.

This year we decided to enter a number of things in our county fair. Last week was very full of preparation...very full! So full that I realized when Thursday rolled around (the deadline for entering) that I had not planned well. I figured 2-3 days was sufficient for finishing up artwork, cutting out foam board for mounting, baking and filling out forms. What I failed to consider is just everyday life - tired girls, fussing and arguing, my big girl having a hard time deciding which picture to enter, a baby who was throwing up numerous times a day, trips to the grocery store for cake supplies we didn't have, a tired mind who tried to cut out foam board and talk on the phone at the same time...and then had to recut foam board. Yes, I should have allowed 2 weeks for this, but nevertheless, we got it all done, I was completely exhausted, but it was well worth it.

Today we go to see if we received any ribbons from our endeavors - 6 drawings, 8 photographs, 2 cakes and one jar of applesauce. Here are a few shots from last Wednesday.

(Notice the blue/green hue on Mckenna's face? Before baking she had just put on her make up)

Funny faces...







The best part...sitting down to enjoy the beaters!







I was so proud of my big girl! She pretty much baked her cake all by herself, with just minimal help from momma. She's growing up so fast.

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H2O

According to Wikipedia, "Water is the only common substance found naturally in all three common states of matter and it is essential for life on Earth." Water is also the one chemical compound we can remember from chemistry class....H2O

As promised, I want to begin posting more on the topic of grieving, as we have experienced it and what we have learned. As I've contemplated doing this, I wanted to have a subject title for all the posts that pertain to this, something that summed up my desire in them. The word that kept coming back to me and others I talked with was, HOPE. Jesus, because of what He has done for us, has hope to offer (H2O). And that hope has been living water for my soul over the past 2 years now. This hope, in the midst of life's most difficult trials and unimaginable pain, is essential for our souls and carries us on through suffering. And I know it will carry me on to the day when I'll see my little girl again.

It is my desire that these posts on grieving will highlight the gospel and the hope we have through Jesus. I'm no writer and as I've said before, am so aware that there are countless others who have suffered much more than I have. But this is my feeble effort to serve the many around me who are walking through such hard trials right now, as well as friends of those suffering.

These posts will probably be very few and far between my others. As is with everyone, life is full and crazy. And I'm now an official homeschooling mom! We started last week. I feel like I'm in a major juggling act of priorities and responsibilities. But I will write when I can and hope to include others in these posts as well.

Jesus has hope to offer us, even in the midst of tragedy, loss and pain. And in the midst of grieving that hope is water for the soul, an anchor to sustain us.

Stay tuned for more H2O posts!

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Mckenna + camera

A few day ago, Mckenna walked out the door with my camera in hand to take some pictures. She has been begging me for some time to take some pictures with my camera. I felt a little more comfortable knowing Kristen was right near by, but still a bit nervous. She had her very first spontaneous photography lesson, thanks to Kristen! Camera survived and out of almost 175 pictures a few came out not so bad.

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Trip to Pop-pops and Grandma's

Last week the girls and I headed down to my dads for a visit. The girl's have been asking for so long to go to Pop-pops and Grandmas. They get wonderfully spoiled with all their favorite foods and summer fun! My sister came down with all her 5 in toe as well. So, to say it's crazy is an understatement, but we make a lot of memories! It's non-stop for us moms and with both Addie and Wyatt not sleeping much at all and up a good part of the night, we both came back pretty exhausted. The kids had a blast.

Every day was some new and fun activity. Two of the girl's favorite things were the Pirate Ship adventure and the water park....and Selah would add presents and birthday cake (celebrating her birthday in June) from Pop-pop and Grandma. I didn't take many pictures, but here are a few from the Pirate Ship (Kelly stayed home with the babies and I went with my dad and the older kids).

The Pirate Ship adventure is pretty impressive. They dress the kids up like pirates (my girls wanted no part in that!), get their face (or hands as my girls insisted :) and give them each a Pirate name like Torrential Ty, Jumbo Shrimp June, and Kut Throat Keenan. Then they go out on a ship for an adventure...and parents get to come and watch. The kids love it!

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