Baby boom

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

"The Lord is righteous in all his ways and kind in all his works. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them." Psalm 145:17-19

Our big announcement...

My sister, Kelly, on right: Due December 12th
Me, on left: Due December 19th

It will be a very full Christmas season! And we are giving thanks to God for his mercy and kindness. Even in the midst of rejoicing, our hearts are still grieving and missing little Alivia, who still stands in the forefront of our minds. No baby(s) will ever be able to replace her or take away the ache in our hearts that losing her has left. But the Lord has heard my cry for another little one, and I eagerly await to meet this little girl in a few months....as well as a new little nephew shortly before.

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July 26

Yesterday I was remembering my little Alivia, who would have been 10 months old. My heart seems to be growing a little heavier as I am anticipating her upcoming birthday. Where has 10 months gone? So much has changed around here and yet so much seems to be just like when she was with us. We talk about our little one often and the girls frequently comment how much they miss her...we all miss her more than words can communicate. The pain is still sharp and I, more than ever, long for the day when I'll be with her in heaven.

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Leaning on Jesus

Our time at my dads was wonderful (I hope to post more on that soon). However, since arriving home late Sunday night, my soul has been weary and my body exhausted. In my journal this morning I wrote,

"My heart is heavy this morning. I feel like I am carrying the weight of so much. I know I need to give this all to the Lord, who knows all, cares about it more than I do, can handle all these issues weighing on me and can even strengthen my weary and troubled soul. At times like this there is always a decision to make, "what will I do?" Will I continue to carry this myself, allow myself to be weighed down, lack joy and therefore inevitably be tempted today in multiple areas? OR will I give it to the Lord and because of all He is and can do, allow myself to walk in the joy of my salvation? What a battle this life is. Last night as I lay in bed I was ready to give up. I was feeling hopeless, downcast, angry, weary and exhausted with life's trials. This morning it was hard for me to rise from my bed. But I will turn to my Lord who is my only hope for me and the sin that resides in my heart. He alone can cure the weariness, frustration, and hopelessness I am experiencing."

Then, right after writing this, I read the following quote from Spurgeon. Tears welled in my eyes as I was reminded of my Savior and all He is and can do for me:

God feeds them. Luke 12:24

"The Lord has laid many burdens on me, and I sometimes grow weary. Then the Holy Spirit leads me to understand that I can do nothing by myself. All I have to be is God's obedient servant, His ready instrument, and then I can leave every care with Him. Then peace returns and my thoughts become free and vigorous. My soul throws its burdens aside; runs without weariness and walks without fainting.

I am sure, my dear fellow servant, that life will break you unless you learn the habit of leaning on Jesus. Do not be afraid to lean too much. There has never been a saint blamed for possessing too much faith. There has never been a child of God scolded by the Divine Father for having placed too implicit a reliance on His promise.

The Lord has said, 'As your days, so shall your strength be' (Deut. 33:25). He has promised, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you' (Heb. 13:5). He has told you 'consider the ravens,...which have neither storehouse nor barn; and God feeds them' (Luke 12:24). He has asked, 'Why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?' (Matt. 6:28-30).

Give your cares to Him who cares for the ravens and for flowers of the field. Rest assured that he will also care for you." - Spurgeon

May I lean hard on my Savior today, cast my burdens on Him and trust Him with the cares that threaten to break my soul. May I focus on my Savior's sacrifice for me and all He has accomplished at Calvary, so indeed I can rejoice in my salvation today.

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We need Jesus

Last weekend and this week have been packed full of activity. Today we are leaving to go to my dads. The girls have been begging to go for weeks now, anticipating this trip. Of course, they still have not grasped the concept of time and Selah repeatedly has asked, "how come we are not going to Pop-pops now??? She was delighted to find out this morning the day has finally arrived. My sister and her kids will also be coming down and we'll be joined by Dave and Mark on Friday evening. My cousin Mike, his wife and 1 year-old son will also be there, so it will be a full house.

There have been many things on my heart these past few days...many requests that I have been lifting up to our Lord. I read the following quote by Spurgeon yesterday and it has helped to direct my prayers as I have sought to seek the Lord on a number of areas in our lives:

When You Pray. Luke 11:2

"When you pray, try to fully understand your trouble. It is a good idea to write it down and then come to the Lord. There is frequently too much indistinctness in our prayers. We really do not know what we are aiming at, and consequently we miss the mark. We have no clear idea what it is that we are seeking from the Lord. Therefore we do not get it.

If we really know our grief, our pain, our sin, and the plague of our hearts, we can go before the Lord and say, 'This is my trouble. Lord, I confess it to You with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.' Then it will not be long until the Lord in mercy will give us peace.

Dear troubled friend, there is no relief like prayer. If you are in despair, let me gently tell you that there is One who is ready to give you a full hearing, whatever your trouble. The Lord Jesus Christ already knows all your trouble. I do not know about it, I cannot tell all that you need. But I do know that all you want between here and heaven is stored up in Christ Jesus.

You need Jesus. And if you get Jesus, you never will have a want that is outside of Christ. You will never have a need that is not within the matchless circle of His unspeakable all-sufficiency.

Take Christ to your heart, and your fortune is made! When the Lord Jesus Christ is yours, you will have all that you need for time and eternity. May the Lord bless you for Jesus' sake." - Spurgeon

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A table of provision

A dear friend sent this quote my way this afternoon...

"Sometimes the Lord brings us into the very heart of the wilderness,
just to prove to us how easily and how readily He can provide a table for us even there.
And when all other resources are exhausted, and all supply is cut off, and every spring of water is dried up,
Lo! He opens the eye of our faith to see what His heart of love has prepared.

Are you, dear reader, sitting down to weep like Hagar?
Or like Elijah, in the wilderness-desolate, weary, and exhausted?
Oh, see what appropriate and ample nourishment your God and Father has provided for you.

"Go your way, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart," for all this table of provision, is for you.
All the love that is in God's heart,
all the grace that is in the Savior's nature,
all the comfort that is in the Spirit's tenderness,
all are yours!

He is in all your salvation!
He is in all your mercies!
He is in all your trials!
He is in all your consolations,
And in all your afflictions!
What more can you want? What more do you desire?

A Father who loves you as the apple of His eye,
A full Savior to whom to go, moment by moment,
And a blessed indwelling, sanctifying, comforting Spirit,
to reveal all to you, and to give you Himself, as the "pledge of your inheritance,
until the redemption of the purchased possession." - Octavius Winslow


In the midst of loss and trial, how easy it is for me to focus on what has been taken, what I don't have, what has changed, and how hard things can be...yes, even now. What a great reminder, that the Lord allows me to be in this place to show me that even here, He is committed to providing my every need. The road we are on and what's ahead can almost seem overwhelming at times, YET He has and will continue to sustain us with His grace and with this table of provision that is all I could want or desire.

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June Lily

This evening, Kel came to pick up little June. We thoroughly enjoyed having her and Dave said at dinner what we all were thinking...we will miss having her here. Mckenna prayed for our meal and said, "Thank you, Jesus, that we have June here and that she is here for 5 days." But afterwards, during dinner, Mckenna was sad to find out that 5 days were up. Dave also commented during dinner that June is such an angel baby (and that is the truth...I don't think she fussed or whined the whole time), to which Mckenna replied, "no, dad, she doesn't have wings!" I had to laugh!

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Happy 4th of July!

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8 months

Our little Alivia departed from us 8 months ago today. It's been a tear-filled day for me. So many emotions and thoughts have flooded my mind. I think particularly, in part, because a year ago I would have been in my 3rd trimester and the reality of Alivia's birthday drawing near is becoming very apparent to me. September seems to be coming very fast....and it's a month that already holds so many emotions for me.

The days seem to fly by, at times, and it's hard for me to believe she has been gone so long. Yet, on the other hand, my days seem to linger and I can wish that this year was past already.

Today I laid on my bed and tried to remember specific things about my little girl. It's hard when those memories of her seem to be fading. It's almost difficult for me to remember holding her, what she looked like and what life was like with her. How grateful I am for my pictures.

I can sometimes wrestle with feeling behind, in terms of where I would have liked to be in life right now. I would have preferred to almost be done having children, and looking forward to enjoying the feeling that others say you experience, when your family is complete. Instead I can feel behind and my body can seem too weak to bear many more children.

With this in mind, I read Psalm 127 just a few days ago. After I first read it, I remember thinking it odd that the Lord would chose to put 2 such random and different subjects into the same psalm. However, it then dawned on me how they seemed to be connected...

"Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."

The Lord is the one building our house, our family. I am not in control of it, nor do I determine the details of it. I will labor in vain if I try. I need not be anxious about how many children I have, don't have or want...yes, children are a gift from the Lord, BUT He is the one in charge of the details of our children. When tempted to think that, "I should have three right now, this is how my life should be...I want to have my Alivia," may I endeavor to remember this Psalm and receive the comfort of knowing that there is a Sovereign One in charge of it all. And may I remind myself that Alivia was like an arrow in the hands of a warrior, accomplishing much with her little life that she was given. The Lord used and is using her life to teach our family so much. I still do want a "quiver full" of these precious gifts, even more so than before, but I realize, that the Lord is building our family and He is for our good!

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Look who we get to have...

for the next 5 days! Little June is staying with us, while Mark and Kel are on a much needed and overdue getaway for their anniversary. We will be thoroughly enjoying our time having Juney. Mark and Kel, have an amazing and wonderful time!

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