8 months

Our little Alivia departed from us 8 months ago today. It's been a tear-filled day for me. So many emotions and thoughts have flooded my mind. I think particularly, in part, because a year ago I would have been in my 3rd trimester and the reality of Alivia's birthday drawing near is becoming very apparent to me. September seems to be coming very fast....and it's a month that already holds so many emotions for me.

The days seem to fly by, at times, and it's hard for me to believe she has been gone so long. Yet, on the other hand, my days seem to linger and I can wish that this year was past already.

Today I laid on my bed and tried to remember specific things about my little girl. It's hard when those memories of her seem to be fading. It's almost difficult for me to remember holding her, what she looked like and what life was like with her. How grateful I am for my pictures.

I can sometimes wrestle with feeling behind, in terms of where I would have liked to be in life right now. I would have preferred to almost be done having children, and looking forward to enjoying the feeling that others say you experience, when your family is complete. Instead I can feel behind and my body can seem too weak to bear many more children.

With this in mind, I read Psalm 127 just a few days ago. After I first read it, I remember thinking it odd that the Lord would chose to put 2 such random and different subjects into the same psalm. However, it then dawned on me how they seemed to be connected...

"Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one's youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate."

The Lord is the one building our house, our family. I am not in control of it, nor do I determine the details of it. I will labor in vain if I try. I need not be anxious about how many children I have, don't have or want...yes, children are a gift from the Lord, BUT He is the one in charge of the details of our children. When tempted to think that, "I should have three right now, this is how my life should be...I want to have my Alivia," may I endeavor to remember this Psalm and receive the comfort of knowing that there is a Sovereign One in charge of it all. And may I remind myself that Alivia was like an arrow in the hands of a warrior, accomplishing much with her little life that she was given. The Lord used and is using her life to teach our family so much. I still do want a "quiver full" of these precious gifts, even more so than before, but I realize, that the Lord is building our family and He is for our good!