A new journey

I've begun a new journey. The Lord is doing much in my life. And I wanted to share a bit of it.

Moving to Tennessee, actually this whole last year has been a difficult year for me. It's one of the reasons I've been quite MIA here. Half the time I'm not sure what exactly to say. Posting on a blog can seem to hide all the reality we live in. I have been pretty raw here on this blog. And lately to pick up and just post normal stuff, when I feel nothing but normal just didn't seem quite right to me.

As many know, my world came crashing down on 11.2.08 when Alivia died and there have been many valleys since that initial deep one. Alivia's life and death initiated a great work of the Lord in me.  I didn't really see it. But often when I have been least aware of it, He has been doing the most. Peeling away layer after layer in my heart of the many things I hold on to and seek to find joy in. I'm starting to understand, in part, some of the lessons from the valleys.

Here are some thoughts from my journal over the past few weeks of this journey I've started. My journey towards joy.

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I am a different person than I was 4 years ago. Grief has a way of crushing the heart and breaking it to what seems beyond repair. And even if repairable, never to be the same. Then there are the ripple effects of grief that the heart needs to bear. It never seems to end. However, God has a way of taking that crushed, broken heart and making it something beautiful. Will I let him do it?

God wants me to be consumed with Him. Enough of being consumed with me. Life has brought some bad, even unthinkable, but He doesn't want me to turn that into self-pity and a paralyzed life. He wants me to be so thankful and aware of his blessing, his work, his sustaining grace, that what results is a life that shines joy. Joy. Regardless of circumstances or feelings. Seeing Christ in everyday moments, the good and the bad, the hard and the easy. He wants me to daily see His glory and be amazed. And it's what I want.

There has been a tug of war in my heart over the last number of months. Actually longer than that, but but I've just recently become keenly aware of it. And I have not understood it. I still don't. But I feel like one who is in the opthamologist's chair, big machine up to my face, clicking through lenses, as things become less blurry, more into focus. Many days I have felt my heart running, resisting the truth I so desperately need. Engulfed in a world of endless to-do's, screaming infant, needy toddler, school lessons, illnesses, medications, confusion, and unknowns. Running. But no where to go on my own, however hard I try. I've been left empty, anxious, lacking joy, angry, lonely.

I feel the Lord's beckoning to me, but the day's needs and wants, and my stiff heart seem to pull me away from the focus I do desperately need. My heart feels damaged from the life I have experienced and that's where I stay. I don't want to move on, yet I do. I feel trapped. I don't pursue the Lord, I retreat. No joy. No rest. I want to give up on life. But the Lord has not given up on me.

I find myself now in this unknown place. I'm away from people I love, people I want to be near. Things don't seem easier, just more complicated. I am confused, trying to sort through a world of constant thoughts, fears and unknowns. Where is the Lord in all this? What is he doing? I crave ease and relief.

The Lord is doing. I don't understand it all yet, but the lens is becoming more clear.

I recently picked up the book, One Thousand Gifts, that a dear friend gave me before moving to Tennessee. Through it, it's as if a cloud is beginning to lift. I see myself in the author's words, life and experiences. I crave a fuller life, joy and peace. But I've allowed my heart to become blind, focusing my eyes more on circumstances than on my Savior. More on what I want than what God wants for me. How do I respond when things come crashing down again? and yet again? How do I hold onto joy and not give in to anger? The author, Ann Voskamp talks about Eucharisteo. I'm learning it. Grace. Thanksgiving. Joy. I need to see this more and experience it. "Lord, open my eyes to the glory of my Savior around me. In the hard, mundane, in all times. I want to be changed by being thankful, by adoring in the physical things around me that point to You."

What I need is to see God. I want people to see God when they see me. "Less of me, Lord. Break down my pride. Thank you for bringing me so low these past years, through the pain, through my weakness. I've come to see, through all these valleys, that you really are the only thing that will bring me joy. The perfect life I envision and crave will not fulfill, will not bring joy. Only you. Please bring it, more joy."

So I'm on this journey, a quest to see more of God and experience more joy. To open my eyes and adore. To see and give thanks. Because, grace, thanksgiving, then joy.

I've taken up the task of penning one thousand gifts, as Ann notes in her book. I've got a journal and a pen on my kitchen counter, each day jotting down the things I'm thankful for, the gifts of God all around me. I need my focus to change. It's not me making the change, but Christ in me. I need joy in my Savior through seeing His glory and grace all around me. Not just seeing my circumstances alone, but seeing Him in them. This will be hard. I know there are days I will want anything but to be grateful and to seek God's glory. But it's a commitment I want to make. One thousand things!

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For all who care to read, I aim to write and make note each week of some of the things I've seen and am thankful for. And perhaps more of the effect of Eucharisteo in my life.

"The art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible. And it is the art of gratitude that makes joy possible." -Ann Voskamp