Many tears

I cried more today than I have in a long time. In fact, there were long spans of time when my face was constantly wet with tears. They fell all throughout the day. I spent two long periods of time laying on my bed, looking out the window, knowing it was so warm outside but inside my heart was so cold. I missed my baby girl so much today. It was one of those days where I had to constantly pray, "Oh God, just help me do the next thing...please." Simply getting lunch for the girls was a challenge. I was grateful there was leftovers for dinner.

The girls saw my tears and knew mom was sad. They don't understand, but Selah would say things like, "you sad about Alivia?" I love the way she says her name...it breaks my heart that I don't get to hear her say it more often. At one point Selah went running outside to tell Mckenna that I was sad (she saw my tears). Mckenna came running inside, jumped in my arms and held me tight. I hugged her long and hard...and cried. I did get lots of hugs and kisses today. I held my big girls so tight so many times. After dinner I went upstairs to just lay on my bed. Dave brought the girls up later and we all laid together...I cried some more.

All kinds of thoughts flooded my mind today. Part of me wished there were someone who could take my place to mother these 2 girls I still have so that I could give up. I'm weary from living, weary of fighting for faith, weary of hurting so bad. At another time today I walked up my stairs in tears thinking, "I just want my life back, I want my light heart back, my joy...my girl." It was then and there that I passed by the closed door to her room that she would be napping in....if she were here.

It's hard to remember truth at times like this. In fact, I could barely come up with words to pray today. Reading seems harder than ever. I can't seem to absorb even simple verses. I read them over and over and they seem to run right over my heart instead of to my heart.

My sister sent me the following quote and it was timely. Some have encouraged me to just lay my heart bare before the Lord and tell Him all that is in my heart. That's good, but, quite frankly, that can seem like a daunting, overwhelming task. I don't even understand what is going on in my heart, let alone how to put into words. All I know is that I hurt beyond words and feel like I have met fact to face with this world's greatest sting. So, I was encouraged by Spurgeon's words. I found myself praying, "Lord, there it is....there is my crushed, broken, weary and hurting heart." I'm trusting He knows what is best for me right now, even when I think differently. So, I'm laying my heart before Him, asking Him to help me through this exhausting season, this life of grief that He has called me into.


"When you are in trouble, ask God for help. Ask believing that He is able to give it. Ask expecting that he will bestow it. Do not grieve the Spirit of God with doubts and mistrust. These things will be fiery arrows in your soul to drink away the very life of your strength. However hard the struggle, however difficult the trial, seek the Lord, and seek Him in confidence He deserves. Depend on the arm invisible, the arm omnipotent. Be a scholar in the school of faith. Become proficient in the divine art of prayer and praise.

When you cannot pray in words, go and lay bare your sorrow before God. Just go and show Him your soul. He will see what burdens and distresses you. Then you will prevail with God's bountiful heart. God is not moved by eloquence of words and oratory of tongue, but He is swift to answer the true oratory and the true eloquence of distress.

When you have no strength, when you do not know what to do, just come and lay your problems at His feet. Pray, "There it is, and my eyes are on You." Perhaps you think that is not praying. Let me tell you, this is the most powerful form of prayer. Just set your case before God. Cast all your sorrow and all your needs on Him, and then say, "Lord, there it is." - Spurgeon