Handprints, footprints and a lock of hair

Last night Dave and I went out on a date. It was good to be together. We were sitting at dinner and I started to bring up some hard things relating to Alivia, her life, her death. I feel like I am starting to go down paths in this grieving process that I would rather not go...but need to. The thoughts racing in my mind lately have left me an emotional mess and feeling the pain of her death more than ever. It's hard to stop crying for any length of time lately and it's even harder to muster up the motivation to get out of bed in the morning. I just lay there and cry when I wake up...sometimes for a few hours before I get up.

Last night, I asked Dave about something. He had mentioned to me months ago that the kind nurse with us the night of Alivia's death had stamped her handprints and footprints and taken a lock of her hair and saved it for us. It took me awhile initially to recover from the news that this was even available to us. My last memory of Alivia is not a pretty one...in fact, it's a devastating one that plagues me to this day. I chose not to see her or hold her again at the hospital. Knowing that we could potentially have something like this that would be such a real, tangible reminder of her was precious, yet hard for me.

So, l brought it up last night...asked if he knew where these things were. Dave communicated that in the craziness of all that was going on in the days following, they must have gotten lost. And that he tried to contact the nurse at the hospital a number of times, but had not been successful. I was crushed. I felt so overwhelmed that I told Dave I needed to go and we got up and left the restaurant.

I immediately tried to think on other things...we went into a shoe store, then went for coffee. After that we just drove around for a long time, sometimes not saying a word.

Today has been another very tough day. In fact, this week has been one of my darkest yet. It feels like the Lord is stripping me more and more. I don't understand much of anything right now and I've been praying that in my painful grief I would not turn in anger or bitterness against the Lord. I'm blocking out a lot around me, just trying to sustain enough energy to meet the girl's most basic needs and not crumble to the ground.

Lord, make even this...all the things I can't see and don't understand...something beautiful."

Thanks to so many of you for your emails and calls. I'm incredibly grateful. Thanks for the brief nuggets of truth you've sent...most of all, for your prayers.