February 26
...was yesterday. Alivia's 5 month birthday. I can't believe she would have been 5 months....5 months old! It was just yesterday that she was 5 weeks, but at times it seems ages ago. How I miss not having her in our lives, hearing her cry, snuggling with her and enjoying her.
I'm actually glad I did not post yesterday. These hard posts on hard days always bring up wells of emotion as I consider my baby girl and remember. Yesterday was actually a very full day from start to end. Is that a good thing? I'm not sure. I gave little thought to remembering specific things about her, not purposely...it just happened that way. It seems I just went from one thing to the next. My mom took the whole day off from work and showed up around 9am with PINK roses for me. Precious! What a means of grace she was and continues to be. Thanks , mom, for your care and help, specifically with Selah's major blow-out diaper (she is recovering from the stomach virus). She even took all of Selah's gross clothes home with her to wash them for me.
Dave called shortly after that and asked me to do some more washer research (we are doing work in our basement to get it ready to rent and we need to get a new washer/dryer). So, mom took care of the girls, while I spent a good time online doing that.
After that, Mom took us out to lunch and we ran a few errands. By the time we got home, it was time to put Selah down for nap (actually way past time..she was a wreck!). Then Elizabeth Stockton showed up and we took Anne and Mckenna over to a pottery place at the Rio. They each picked out a ceramic to paint. They had a great time. Before we came home we hit Starbucks for a treat. We arrived home and shortly after Dave came home.
Date night! We had a great time out for dinner, talking, catching up and fellowshipping. I loved it. After arriving home, I spent some more time researching washers and then off to bed. That was my day. I didn't cry once, I didn't even have time to think hard about much except what I was doing next. I didn't even have any devotions yesterday. Those are usually bittersweet these days as it also is an emotional time for me.
I had the thought last night, "should I have done more to remember. Should I have made the step to go back to the cemetery....I have not even been yet and not sure when I'll be able to do that."
No, I have not forgotten my Alivia, and didn't forget her yesterday. She is in my heart and mind every waking moment. But perhaps having a day like yesterday was, in fact, a good thing. There will be plenty of days ahead full of emotion that will leave me grieving hard and feeling physically weak and frail. But I leave my days in His hands and trust Him for each one of them. And I'm giving thanks this morning for the grace that sustained me yesterday and the activities He ordained that helped me through it.
Honey, you will always carry Alivia in your heart. Formal remembrances help some people, some times; they aren't part of some "should" or "have to" list. One month, you may need to visit. Another month you may be living life as a loving mommy or a washer-researching wife and it won't pass through your mind. And that is what it is--day by day living for the King, seeking His face, honoring His gifts that He daily bestows, serving Him by serving His. Likewise, you'll change your blog's pictures or color or her room whenever you are ready, and it won't mean leaving Alivia behind. Life itself progresses, and change happens; Alivia's preciousness to you is not enhanced nor diminished by such things. You are so tender and I just pray that you will escape guilt that some of my friends have when they do or don't do certain things. Love you. (ps. thanks for posting Selah's crazy hair)