3 months

Today was probably just an ordinary day for most, but for us it marked 3 months that our little baby girl has not been with us. It was a very challenging day for me. I didn't sleep that well last night, but got up early to spend some with the Lord. Reading was hard and I could not concentrate. Mckenna started her day by saying (and she doesn't know the significance of today), "Mom, I'm so upset about God." I asked her what she meant and she said, "I want to see our baby...I really want to see our baby, mom." I started crying and have not really stopped all day. I cleaned a good part of the day to keep busy and did some laundry. I cried as I went about and remembered so much about Alivia...what she liked, how she would snuggle up in my neck, how she loved sleeping in the pink basket, how she sucked her pacifier and bopped it up and down in her mouth. I remembered giving her baths and how she would love for me to wrap her tight in her towel and snuggle her after we were done. She was such a good baby. The hardest was by far missing seeing Mckenna and Selah hold her and love on their little sister. I miss that so much and it's hard to swallow the fact that they will not be able to do that anymore or get the experience of watching their little baby sister grow up.

After putting Selah down for a nap, I sat on the couch and cried. Mckenna was so kind. She was concerned all throughout the day about me. She kept telling me that she didn't want me to cry every time, as she put it. She knew I was missing Alivia and offered to pray for me. We both took a nap on the couch. I didn't sleep much, but these days sleep is a way for me to get a break from life, so to speak. So, I enjoy my naps.

When naps were over I can't remember what I did, but around 5pm I decided to go downstairs and watch a movie with the girls. It was a good distraction. We did that until Dave came home. Dave took over the minute he got home and cared for the girls. Right now he is putting them to bed. He continues to serve me so well.

After dinner Mckenna came over to me on the couch, as I was crying, and again asked if she could pray for me. She prayed, "Dear Jesus, please send an angel to momma and let it take momma to heaven so she can see baby Alivia. Amen." Sweet girl...she does not like to see me cry.

I wrestled with truth all day long and had a lot of questions in my heart. I still do. And I longed for heaven like never before.