Past few days
The past few days around here have been full. Dave went on a business trip Wednesday through yesterday evening. Not too long, which I am grateful for. It was my first evening and night here alone with the girls. We had dinner at Kels (it was Mark's birthday) and then ventured home and I got the girls to bed and had some quiet, down time. I finally decided to try to sleep somewhere between 12 and 1, but didn't sleep much. I spent the night on our couch and I think I got around 2 hours that night, but even despite that, it was a good night. There was an evident peace in my heart the whole time...even during all those awake hours. I have to say my mind was racing with a multitude of thoughts, but I did have some good prayer time. My heart was heavy for a number of reasons, but there was peace. This was a big step for me, being home alone for a night.
Before Dave left on Wednesday, we took the kids down the street to the Littrell's house. They are a family in our church who live a few doors down from us. Their house is on about 3.5 acres and they have a killer sledding hill! It's amazing! The girls were very apprehensive and Mckenna only went down once with Dave and that was it. We couldn't get Selah to go down at all. But Dave and I had a blast going down a few times. It was great fun. I took some pictures, but had to purchase some more google storage before I can post.
The Lord continues to strengthen me day by day. Today I faced a lot of temptation to compare myself to others in terms of schedules, productivity, etc. and to evaluate if I'm doing anything well right now. Our days are so low key around here and, to be honest, I'm still sitting here on my living room floor in my sweats, which I woke up in. I'm heading off now to get a shower. It's days like today that I have to constantly remind myself that my only goal is to seek to glorify God in the simple - and that for me right now is to taking care of the girls, keeping them fed and clothed and be patient and loving toward them. May God continue to help me toward these simple goals.
Heath,
When tempted to compare yourslef to others, just look at me and I guarentee you'll feel MUCH better about yourself! :)
love you much!!!
helen
My dear Heather,
I have never met you, never even heard of you, and yet your blog came inadvertantly across my path and I have been completely wrapped up in your world via your words shared on this blog. Oh my heart just absolutely breaks for you, my eyes have tears welling in them...oh, the pain of life on this side of Heaven! I cannot claim to have experienced NEAR the pain you have. Each situation is so unique in it's own 'right'. oh...I wish I had words, but I do feel impressed to share with you a story from our 'history', so here it goes:
Just a few years ago, we lost 3 babies at various points in pregnancy, with Hope (our daughter) being the furtherest along, and whom I delivered as a stillborn. We had chosen that name if it would be a girl, having no idea that she would not be living with us here and now. (Just let me say here that in absolutely NO WAY am I comparing our losses. One cannot do that. And now that I have children who i have brought home from the hospital and are seemingly healthy, the pain that rips at my heart in reading of your experiences is so much deeper than it would have been before). Ok, I'll get back on track. The weekend after burying Hope, my sister came in from Ohio and both she and my dear husband suggested we do something different, get me out of the house. (I also have a teenage stepson who was around 11 at the time). So off I went, horomonal, tired and engourged (which seemed such a cruel side effect my body was giving me) to a restaurant that also had a big arcade area connected to it. For some reason, it seemed like it was "National Bring Your Little Girl Out To Eat Night", and I just could NOT stand to see these little gals, and so I told them i would sit on a bench in the lobby and wait for them. And so I did.
As I was sitting there, keeping my head turned away from the entrance (i didn't want to see more little girls coming in), I was thinking these thoughts: "Lord, I just need you to let me know that Hope is doing alright. I know, of course, that she is more than alright...but I just want to know that she is lighting up the halls of Heaven and that her laughter is just the sweetest sound to your ears and that she is bringing such joy to the place! I just wish you could send an angel, just to let me know". JUST AT THAT PRECISE SECOND, a little girl, probably around age 2, with her brown curly hair up in a pony tail and holding her daddy's hand, had walked past but stopped dead in her tracks, turned around, looked me RIGHT IN THE EYE and gave me a nod and smile before moving on.
Heather, that was LOVE. That was Pappa telling me that He knew. He knew very, very, very intimately what the thoughts and moans and groans of my heart were.
And there I sat on that yellow bench, with a heavy heart (and heavy boobs!), throngs of people passing me by and I was just totally overcome with what had just happened.
I call those experiences "GuidePosts", little warm lighted lanterns that pop up on the path of life, especially and often only when the path is so dark and foggy, you can barely make out the next step.
Oh, my dear sister whom i've never met, my heart just is breaking for you. I cannot imagine. Please know I am thinking of Avalia(and Iknow I am spelling her name wrong, so sorry, I just don't want to lose what i've written to go back and check on spelling!) and what a special little lady she IS and how totally, utterly ALIVE she is, right this very moment. She is not 'lost', she is not dead..but rather she is more alive than any of us. The very saddest part is that our humanity limits you from touching and seeing and holding her. I know I have written this before, but again, i am just so sorry. I know, I know....Heaven seems so much closer, and Jesus sees you through...and all the truths of all the Bible verses are all wonderful...but you've still got a heart that physically and emotionally hurts. and it hurts bad.
I apologize for the novel. My husband went up to bed, and then my stepson did as well...the babies are sleeping...and I finally have a peaceful house. For whatever reason, our Father put you on my path tonight and I could not simply read and move on. Your story is too compelling.
By the way, I used to be such a busy person, always going and doing. I guess i am now too, but it's mainly within these four walls. I've been given 3 children within 2 and 1/2 years (no twins!) and I keep life VERY SIMPLE. But even in my contentedness with life like it is, I find it incredibly easy to look at those women I know who run circles around me and think "I am such a wimp".
And that's not even with a tragedy so close to this season.So...give yourself a break, my dear.
Know that you will be brought up in my conversations with our Father tonight...I think I'm going to spend some time with Him while it's quiet.
With love...
Jeane`
PS. Just so I say it (as if i haven't said waaayyy too much), there is NO obligation to write back!!! ONLY if you care to! I have a blog which you should be able to get to by clicking my name...or email jnicolemiller@hotmail.com...but again, there is NO expectations on you to do so!)