More grace
Last night was a challenging evening. Dave and I were sitting on the couch and he said simply, "I miss Alivia more today than I did yesterday." I looked up at the wall holding all her pictures and just cried. So often my heart can seem numb as I go about my days...I think sometimes I choose not to think too hard for fear of emotions and pain. It can only take one thought like, "she really is gone" and I'm a mess.
This morning I was battling discouragement and lots of questions- "when will the exhaustion lift?", "when will my hair stop falling out?...it's only getting worse," "when will I be able to think more clearly?", "will others continue to understand my limitations, forgetfulness?", "when will I be able to read well again?" "when will I be able to have a routine and schedule?" My mind started to spin as I contemplated responsibilities setting in and usual life stuff weighing on my shoulders. It's almost as if I feel this wind behind me pushing on my body, telling me to carry on and do normal stuff, but I am so not ready for it....I have no strength for it.
Jenni sent me the following quote this morning and I was so grateful for it:
He Gives More Grace - James 4:6
"Periods of weakness will occur. A great strain may be placed on us. We become exhausted or severely depressed and we imagine that we are ready to die. At times like this, God will supply strength. Our extreme distress will be His opportunity; our famine, His hour of plenty. "His strength is made perfect in weakness" (2Corinth 12:9). "He gives power to the weak to those who have no might He increases strength" (Is. 40:29).
David sung, "He satisfies your mouth with good things, so that your youth is renewed like eagles." (Ps. 103:5). David expected this to happen always."He restores my soul" (Ps 23:3), he says. Often David's psalms start in painful depression but conclude with exultation because heavenly love has poured fresh life into his fainting soul. From much soul-sickness, Jesse's son has recovered; from many a sinking, he has been lifted in holy joy.
Expect this, believer. God will give you strength as you need it. "As your days, so shall your strength be" (Deut 33:25). "He gives more grace" (James4:6). Revel in God's smile. Find a haven in His manifested love. Have faith and be of good cheer. There are even richer mercies to come. Therefore, lift up your head." - Spurgeon
I don't know you. But my husband Aaron says he knows your husband. I found your blog through someone elses. Anyhow, I wanted you to know my heart goes out to you. I am praying for you and your family. I cannot imagine what you are going through. I have lost three babies by miscarriage and the day my daughter came home from the hospital she turned blue and I really thought I was going to lose her it was a tough week of wondering and her in the NICU. The miscarriages have been so hard on me and as a mother I can only imagine the grief you are going through. When I had my miscarriages there were two books very helpful to me...one was beside still waters which I saw you have and another was When God Weeps by Joni Eareckson Tada.
Your little girl was so beautiful. I know Jesus is loving her gentle smile in heaven.
Hugs