January 26

Alivia would have been 4 months old today. This is what I wrote in my journal earlier today:

"The Lord helped me through the weekend. Dad and Patti came up and we had a good time with them. Dad is doing some work on our basement. I was pretty exhausted by last night, but rested well. I had a dream the night before that I had triplets! 2 girls and a boy...wow!

Jenni had her baby on Friday. Jade Lydia Smith - 6 lbs. 7 oz. I love that size. Alivia was 6 lbs. 8 oz. when we brought her home.

Today Alivia would have been 4 months old. I have spent the day cleaning alone and there has been much grace. I have thought a lot about her as I dusted here and there, vacuumed the floors, and mopped - how big would she have been? What would she have looked like? What would I have been doing if she was still here? Would I be taking her to her 4 month check up? What percentile would have have fit into? I think she would have been on the smaller side than the other 2. I probably would not be cleaning this much of the house. How many times would I have fed her today? Would I be thinking about starting solids or would I wait another month or 2.

In many ways it all still seems so surreal. I only have cried 3 times today. I am sitting here now and the house is clean, a load of laundry almost done, the girls are napping and I am aware of grace upholding me. So many times today, as I went about my tasks, I thought about how the Lord was strengthening me. How dependent I am. And I am now grateful for this quiet moment to sit, read and rest."