Much on my mind

For the past number of days, Alivia has been much on my mind. I don't think I have intently thought about her as much as I have lately. It's not purposely...she's just in my thoughts. Different sounds remind me of her cry, and it's hard to even see the girls holding a baby doll lately. I had a hard time sleeping last night because I was thinking so much about my nights up with her. And then I would try to remember holding her tiny body, hearing the tiny noises she would make, kissing her head and trying to remember her sweet baby smell...and what it was like to look into her eyes, enjoying her beautiful face. I loved her tiny hands and feet and the way she would hold tightly onto my finger.

She randomly pops in my mind all day long. I love it, but it's emotionally and physically exhausting. Part of me wants to sit down and try to write all these things about her so I can record them...but somehow I can't.

By far the hardest thoughts are the memories of the night we lost her. The flashbacks seem unrelenting at times.

I'm still very weary and each day continues to have numerous difficult moments. I understand now why grieving moms say that months later can be the hardest. I think it's probably true for me as well.

Despite this, my big girls continue to be such a joy to me. This morning I was too weak to do much, so I sat down with the the girls and we watched a movie together. I rarely do this, but it was refreshing for me to have my mind engaged in something else for an hour...plus, I love holding my girlies. I thoroughly enjoyed having them cuddle up beside me on either side and I frequently would lean over to drop a kiss on their heads.