Order in the waves

My sadness and grief continues to come in waves. Today was a very good day...then a wave hit hard this evening. Upon my request, my sister gave me one of the Christmas cards that she send out this year...it included a picture of Alivia on the inside. Most of the pictures I see of my little one are on the wall in our living room. There is something different when I actually hold one in my hand and see her up close. Recently, a friend had some copies of pictures made for me. As I flipped through them up close, they were so crisp and clear, it was almost as if I wanted to reach out and grab my little girl. But I couldn't. Same with tonight. I held the card in my hand and saw her little face, her tiny fingers and features...little nose and bright eyes. All I can say is it was a hard wave. At those moments the reality of what has happened hits hard, very hard. I was just holding her, kissing her tiny head and cheeks, now she's gone. How I miss her.

However, with every wave of grief, I am met with a wave of grace. For that I am so grateful. There is grace to cry, even sob sometimes, grace to dry my eyes, grace to get up, grace to take my next baby step. As hard as it is right now, and despite not always feeling it, there is grace.

As I thought about this tonight, I was immediately reminded of a Spurgeon quote that I have been reading a lot the past few weeks. It has helped with my very real and intense fears lately. With all the waves I am experiencing, may God help me to not give way to fear, but instead see order in the waves.

"We will not fear." Ps. 46:2

" 'The very hairs of your head are all numbered' (Matt. 10:30). This verse literally means what it says. God's wisdom and knowledge are so great that he even knows the number of hairs on your head. His providence descends to the minute dust particles in a summer storm. He numbers the gnats in the sunshine and the fish in the sea. He controls the massive planets that shine in the heavens, and He deals with the teardrops that trickle from your eyes. He who supports the dignity of His throne in the splendor of heaven maintains it in the depths of the dark sea. There is nothing above, under, or around you that is not determined by His counsel and will.

I am not a fatalist, but I strictly hold to the doctrine that God has decreed all things that come to pass and that He rules over all things for His glory and good. What have we to fear? The unbeliever looks at the lightning and is apprehensive, but the Christian believes that it follows a predestined path, and he contemplates it with confidence. At sea, when the waves dash against a ship and toss it to and fro, some panic because they think that this is all chance. But believers see order in the waves. They hear music in the wind and are at peace because the tempest is in God's hand. Why then should we fear?

In all this world's convulsions, in all temporary distress and danger, we can remain calm, collected, and boldly say with confidence, 'I know God is here and all this is working for my good.' 'Therefore we will not fear, even though the earth be removed, and though the waters roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with its swelling' (Ps. 46:2).

Think on these things." - Spurgeon

Will and Alycia Irish  – (9:33 AM)  

Continuing to pray for you, my friend. Love you much and thanks for letting me visit with you a bit the other night.

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