What ministers and serves me
Many have asked what types of things serve me in this season. I am so blessed that others would ask that. We have been learning that the grieving process is different for everyone and what has/does serve others might not serve me(us) and visa versa. So, I thought I would mention a few things for those who have asked or were thinking about asking:
1. Questions. Here are some random questions I have found helpful:
"How was your day?"
"What has the Lord been showing you through this?"
"How can I be praying for you?"
"How are your girls doing?"
"Is there anything you need at the store?"
"I'm going _________. Would you like to come along?"
"We are free tonight, tomorrow evening, next week, etc. Would you and Dave like some
company?" (Please know that if we don't take you up on it, it isn't an indication of anything.
We love you dearly.)
Often making your question too specific can be unhelpful. This is not an exhaustive list, so please don't feel like these are the only questions you can ask.
2. Listening.
Don't feel the need to say much. Just listening to me talk is ever so helpful. Often it will cause my mind to go to all the Lord is doing in this season, the good I am seeing, and that so serves me. It brings perspective and reminds me that my little girl's life was not in vain, nor is this painful trial...but the Lord is at work. My soul ends up greatly encouraged...and I am able to shed tears and emotion that is helpful to get out. My thoughts go to times we have had with Joe and Esther or other couples who have been walking through this with us. At times there were moments of comfortable silence. I appreciated how they were comfortable with it and their posture was just a listening one...listening to the Lord, listening to us. I guess you have to be comfortable to listen. We are comfortable with you not knowing what to say. Often Dave doesn't know what to say. Job's friends didn't say a word for 7 days and nights. Just having friends with us is enough. So, it's OK to say something, but it's also true that sometimes "silence is golden."
3. Emailing.
Sending a note along to say you are praying is one of the things that blesses me the most. I am aware more than ever how much I need the prayers of others. Also, quotes from men such as Spurgeon, etc. and Scriptures really bless me. Please be sensitive to content as things that mention that this is just a season, or to wait because it will take time/time heals, or that these events have been perfectly planned can be hard to hear. Although they can contain good truths (and we do love the truths of God), we remember that Jesus knew all the truth the Bible now contains and yet he wept. Verses and passages that contain God's words of comfort, particularly him affirming his love to his people, are very helpful.
4. Understanding.
I have been trying to keep up on my email. And I have been so blessed (beyond what I can communicate) by all the notes, emails and offers to help that I am getting. If it is in your heart, PLEASE keep them coming. They so minister to me. But if I don't get back to you, please know I am ever so grateful.
When we have been around others, light conversation is sometimes helpful. However, often I find that asking the questions I that noted first, listening....and then transitioning later can be most helpful. We are very aware of what has happened and the incredible impact it has on our life. This type of transition in conversation/fellowship blesses us because it allows us to acknowledge the importance of Alivia and provides a helpful bridge for us to lighter talk and laughter. Laughter has been a blessing to us in this season. I am so grateful to people like Jon Smith who have made me laugh and reminded me what a gift laughter is.
However, if you notice me getting quiet, teary-eyed, feel free to just ask those same questions again...I'll probably share, cry some more...and that is often good for me.
Also, it's been amazing to me that sometimes a random topic of conversation can cause me to struggle. Don't allow this to make you feel awkward around us, this does not mean you have offended me. Just know that I might lean over to Dave to whisper or even say out loud, "let's not talk about _____." Dave and others have been great about transitioning quickly to something else. I'm grateful.
5. Encouraging.
When/where you see evidences of grace, let us know! We have found such comfort in this. I feel so desperately weak. There are days that I think, "I can't do this....I can't go on. The pain is too great and I can't live my life like this." So, when others encourage us by how they see God's strength at work in us and how it is a sign that He is real and over all things, our faith is built. We are reminded that there is indeed grace to carry on.
There is probably more, but these are some things that come to mind. Thanks to everyone for your care and prayers on our behalf. We're so grateful.
My husband googled the name of his book, "From Grief to Glory" today, and found your blogg. He allowed me to use his posting account, as I am not the most literate when it comes to blogging or web sites. My email address is jbruceofn@sbcglobal.net if you would like to visit via email or phone. Obviously, you have read Jay's book, and thus know our story. Reading your blogg brings back memories that bring tears flowing. The words you write are memories written on my heart, as your feelings at this time are very similar to how I felt shortly after our son, John Cameron died. Like you, I was blessed by the scriptures, especially the Psalms. If I may give you some advice, as a mom who lost a child more than 11 1/2 years ago, stay in the Word, rest when your little ones rest regardless of what the house looks like or needs done, and don't get too involved with things other than your immediate family and ministering friends for quite some time.
Do be careful what you read. I found that most books on bereavement are written by women who never got over the loss of their child and don't seem to have a relationship with the Lord. As Jay was writing his book, I encouraged him to weave our story into it, giving a silver thread of hope throughout. I hope you have found that is exactly what it is. Another book I can highly recommend, which is different from Jay's, but also helpful, John MacArthur's "Safe In The Arms of God". Dr. MacArthur will encourage you and help you to recognize stages of grief and depression and help you to focus on the Word, knowing your little one is with God.
Since our son died, I have had the privilege to help start a network for families who have children with special needs. When John Cameron was in the NICU, a neonatologist approached us about helping to start a ministry to support those who have babies in Neonatal Intensive Care Units. This ministry has given Jay and me an opportunity to support families who have dying children or those who have died. Should you or your husband want to visit, feel free to email me at jbruceofn@sbcglobal.net or Jay at jbruce.jwb@sbcglobal.net and we will be glad to email back and forth or phone you.
If you are like me, the holidays the first year are a bit challenging I really just wanted to be with my husband and then 4 year-old daughter. Being with large crowds of happy family members wasn't appealing. I did better with a few people at a time.
If I can leave you with a bit of hope, I'd like to. The Lord is with you every day, every moment, even when it may not feel like it. It is very difficult to understand why such a young child might be taken unto Him. I am continually reminded that He loans our children to us, they belong to Him and we just get to enjoy them until He is ready to bring them unto Him. There is some comfort that our little ones are at the feet of Jesus and that they'll never have pain or suffering that they may have had here. Our son, would have had a life of chronic health conditions had he survived. For me, I would have gladly ministered unto him throughout them all, but God sovereignly designed John Cameron to live on earth 55 days. His life was and is a testimony to God's faithfulness in life and death. There have been weeks, days, moments I thought I could not bear it, but the Lord is always with me and His Spirit ministers to me, usually the greatest when I think I cannot bear another moment. Even after 11 1/2 years, moments or days can be hard, but not unbearable, because the Lord is with me.
Keep your ministering friends close. You and your family are in our prayers. Take care, Joni Bruce, wife of James W. Bruce III, author of "From Grief To Glory", Oklahoma.