Indian hat for Addie

The other night we were eating out on the deck. After dinner I looked over and Mckenna was measuring Addie's head with a piece of paper. A few moments later she had put together a little hat that looked like a miniature version of an Indian headdress, except this one with a leaf. She's so creative and artsy like her dad. Anyway, it was so cute!




Sisters!

Read more...

Swing

The other night we had a family picnic at the park. It was one of those lovely, cool evenings we had over the weekend. Addie got her very first ride on a swing...



...and she loved it!

Read more...

H2O | mental challenges

After writing my previous post on reading, I realized that it might be helpful to write up something more general about all the mental challenges that accompanied grief for me (and in ways still does). From there I might touch more specifically on certain areas that fall within this.

From the moment we found Alivia's lifeless body, our minds went into shock. From that point, lasting days and weeks on end, my mind and thoughts were doing things that I had never experienced before. The mind can only process so much at one time, and my mind was totally preoccupied with processing what just happened, was it real, and a multitude of things, too many to list. On top of that, was just the utter depths of sadness and sorrow. And also that my mind was exhausted. So, that left little room for thinking through normal life stuff.

For many months, others around me had to make decisions, think through and help clarify and explain things that would have been easy for the normal person to process. I was very slow and could barely do much with my days. I remember so many times, my sister would ask me if I wanted to do a certain thing on a given day or how I wanted to go about handling something and I literally could not give her an answer. She would just make a decision for me and go with it. I honestly did not care much about certain details and was just grateful someone was helping to decide something for me. And I knew that if I needed to, I could voice a preference. But that rarely happened.

During this season, I was also extremely forgetful. In the month following Alivia's death, I forgot my dad's birthday and neglected to include Dave's brother-in-law in a surprise party for him, to name a few. I even remember being in the grocery store and not even remembering why I was there. Added to this was the sleeping meds that I was on. In the early weeks it was hard to just close my eyes at any point during the day, especially at night. Memories would flood my mind. I took something at night that knocked me out and it was a means of grace for that season. However, they started to have adverse effects. I would do things that I later did not remember doing and even left burners on and faucets running for hours. Soon after these incidents, with God's help, I started to sleep with out the use of aids. But I still was forgetful of things that I normally would not have been, simply due to the grieving.

After awhile, all of this was frustrating for me. My capacity for doing things was so minimized. It was very humbling and the Lord did use that time to show me more of Him and His strength in my weakness. He did provide for every need. Dave wonderfully led me during this time. I remember trying to go about reading friend's blogs and all they were doing. It was the holiday season. I read about and saw pictures of other moms going about normal traditions with their kids - making cookies, crafts, and gifts. It was so tempting for me. I just could not do any of that. In fact, I needed help just to make cranberry bread for neighbors for Christmas. So, Dave asked me not to read blogs for a season and to minimize how much I was reading online. This was so helpful and enabled me to concentrate on the very simple things of life - clothing and feeding the girls, getting rest, and trusting God.

One thing I was able to do and served me was typing out my thoughts, fears and ways that I saw God at work. I did this primarily on my blog. It was too hard for me to write with pen and paper. My mind was so distracted when I tried to do this and I was often left crying. Typing was was easier. And because I was so desperate for the prayers of others, this was a way for friends and family to see where I was at and where I needed prayer. I also wanted to give God glory for each day that he carried me through and for others to see that I had met my absolute greatest fear face to face, and in it, God was sustaining me. As I think back, these were the times that the Lord gave me the most clarity of thought. No, I didn't understand much of what was going on, wasn't even able to remember how to cook a meal, but the Lord enabled me to think through and wrestle with truth like never before. And fruit was born in my soul.

During this season, I remember regularly thinking about 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I was so weak, mentally, physically and emotionally. But the Lord was using my weakness to strengthen my soul. And He gave me the grace sufficient for each day. There were days that my mind was so full of pain that all I could do was cry and have my little girls pray for me. And even though I could not bake with them, or cook for them, the Lord was even doing a work in their hearts that I don't think would have been accomplished otherwise.

If you are walking through grief, you probably can relate to the mental challenges I've touched on and many that I've haven't even mentioned (there are many). This is so normal. Where others are offering to help, let them. In fact, let them help as much as they are willing. It's a season for you to receive care and much of it. If someone asks you about preferences or to make a decision you just can't, tell them so. And ask them to make the decision for you. Also, give yourself lots of time. Your mind will slowly start to process better, but it can take a long time. God will help you.

A word to friends and family. Be very understanding and patient during these times. Your grieving friend or relative is not going to remember or be able to process much. Offer services or just tell them you will be doing _________ (making a meal, cleaning their house, babysitting, etc.) and just ask that they tell you if it would not serve. I often found that it was more helpful for someone to tell me they were going to do something for me as opposed to asking if they could.

Read more...

More laughs...

from Addie. When she laughs everyone laughs. I love her little contagious belly laugh. Enjoy!

Addie Laughs from Heather Castro on Vimeo.

Read more...

Introducing...

A new little business and a new blog to go with it, Making Old Things New.

Read more...

A wake-up game of peekaboo

Read more...

H2O: reading

I wanted to share a few good books on the topic of grieving and suffering that I have read recently. However, as I thought about doing this, I realized that probably more important that just mentioning books would be to say that it has taken me nearly 2 years to read some good material on this topic...yes, close to 2 years! That may come as a surprise, and for that reason I knew I needed to share why.

After Alivia was gone from us, you can imagine the shock that my body went through. Never before in my life, did I have to process so much pain. I was emotionally exhausted beyond anything I had ever undergone. One of the expressions of this was that I could not concentrate easily, was very distracted and even disoriented initially. It was often painful to read, as my mind would just drift to the events of November 2nd. When anyone reads, many times it is quiet. Quiet was hard for me. On top of this was the fact that even when I tried to read months later, I could not absorb much. I would read a page or even just a paragraph, re-read it and read it again. Still, I often could not tell you what I just read. This was frustrating to me. I don't know why this was. But it was part of the grieving process for me. I was tempted to think that I was going to move backward in my spiritual walk as my spiritual disciplines looked so very different from what they used to be.

Honestly, my devotions for a very long time consisted of opening up a notebook, which contained a collection of scriptures and quotes, and reading just one. This was given to me from a dear friend who had gathered it's contents from others after she had received word of Alivia's death. Right before bed, I would simply read one thing from this notebook, and then thank God for the strength and mercy given me that day and ask for more to sustain me the following day. That's all I did...it's all I could do. And often it was done through many tears.

A number of weeks later, I picked up Beside Still Waters and read one page a day along with a few verses. I've gradually built up from there, but I'll say that even today I can't seem to read as much as I used to, prior to losing Alivia.

There were a number of books recommended to me or given to me after we lost Alivia. I was grateful, and even tried to dive into them. But I just could not. Some had helped others, but I was not ready for them or they simply did not serve me.

Last summer, I wanted to try to get back into reading hunks at a time. Dave suggested getting some fiction books. I was at the library one day and happened upon a number of books written by Beverly Lewis. She has written a number of series on the Amish, from Lancaster, PA. I have always loved Lancaster and the Amish (in fact, when I was a little girl I wanted to be Amish!). These were just what I needed. I read so many of her books last year as the girls and I enjoyed many picnics at parks over the spring and summer. I would read as they played and during rest times in the afternoon and in the evening. It was almost as if I had to retrain my brain to read.

This year, as I mentioned earlier, I have read a number of great books on the topic of grieving and suffering. As trials and challenges continue to purify our lives, I have been very served by these books. They have helped me think more biblically about suffering and given me fresh hope in the midst of it.

I share all this in the hope that it might encourage those who are walking a very hard road. Give your mind much grace. I had to learn to not evaluate my spiritual well-being by what I was doing (devotions, studying/reading, serving, etc.) but rather rest, not worrying about what I could not do, but knowing that the Lord was the one "doing." He was and is at work in my heart doing far more that I could ever do myself. I believe the Lord is very glorified by a broken heart crying out for mercy when it can do nothing else. That was me. I was incapable of doing much more. For the grieving person, normal functions and abilities will often be hampered (I'll share more on this in later posts). By God's grace, they will slowly return. Maybe not completely, but they will improve.

For those caring for hurting souls, be mindful of this and be very patient. And know that it might take months or years for a book that you think would be perfect for them to actually get read. And it might never be read. There was one book that was given to me by a mom who also lost a baby. It had so served her, but to this day, I have not been able to read it. Everyone grieves differently and that is ok. I would also suggest, if you are a very close friend to someone grieving, compile a notebook of scriptures and quotes. Have someone else read it as well before giving it to them, just to have another set of eyes check for anything that might be less than helpful or not quite timely. Another suggestion is to read for your friends and with them in mind. Read books on suffering and grieving to better help you understand and when you read a quote or scripture that you think will bless them, send it in a quick email. I can't tell you how many times I have received emails with quotes and scriptures on particularly hard days and the timeliness of them was an expression of the Father's knowledge of me and my circumstances. Because I could not read much, these brief quotes and scriptures fed my soul.

If you are fairly new to the road of grief, may you take comfort in the grace of your Savior, even if you cannot do much right now. Your body and mind are processing more pain than you may have experienced before. It takes much work and is exhausting. The Lord knows that and He will sustain you. You may even need someone to read one scripture a day to you. And that is fine.

For those who would like a few recommendations on good reads, here are a few to get you started. I have found them most helpful to me in the last number months. My soul has been refreshed and encouraged by them.

*Does Grace Grow Best in Winter, by Ligon Duncan

*Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor (I have not read the entirety of this book, but Chapter 6 is a must and I would start there!)

*30 Days of Heaven, by Randy Alcorn

*Be Still, My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie

Read more...

Ribbons!

And quite a few of them. For a few amateurs who weren't really sure what we were doing, we ended up having a fairly successful year at the fair. I was so very excited when we walked into the art building and found Mckenna's blue ribbons. I was practically jumping up and down!! She, however, needed to be convinced. She wanted the big fluffy purple ribbon (which is understandable - it's pretty and represents the best of the best). But after trying to tell her that the blue ribbon means she did VERY good, she then didn't understand why she couldn't have a pink ribbon (6th place). The girl is all about what it looks like and if it's her favorite color. Blue just wasn't cutting it!

Anyway, all her work did excellent. She received 2 blue first place ribbons, 2 second place ribbons, 1 third place ribbon, 1 fourth place ribbon and 1 honorable mention. Not bad, considering she was competing with other kids up to 12 years old. I was one proud momma!

I got a few ribbons myself - 1 blue first place, 1 third, 1 fourth, 2 fifth and 1 sixth.

I'll post later the exact pictures that won! On the baking side of things, we did ok. Mckenna got honorable mention for her sour cream fudge cake, I got a fifth place for my peach pound cake and sixth for my canned applesauce.

This post was for you, Carmen! :)

Read more...

Addie is...

officially sitting up and could not be more proud of herself.

Read more...

8 years

Yesterday Dave and I celebrated our 8th anniversary. So many things have transpired in the 8 years since we made our vows to each other, promising "for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward till death due us part." And in these 8 years, we have had numerous opportunities to exercise these promises. Through God's grace he has enabled us to grow in our love and respect for each other through the better and worse, richer and poorer of life.

Dave it is a privilege and joy to be your wife. You have led our family through some of the darkest, hardest trials known to man as we have born grief and hardache together. Thanks for loving me and your family so deeply and for, most of all, loving your Savior so passionately. I respect and love you more today than 8 years ago. You are a constant example to me of humility and reminder of how much we need our Savior's sacrifice and grace on a daily basis. For all these things and more, I am so eternally grateful.

Read more...

Fair preparations

My girls love the fair! It's probably one highlight of their summer when they get to go and see all the animals, ride the ponies and enjoy lemonade.

This year we decided to enter a number of things in our county fair. Last week was very full of preparation...very full! So full that I realized when Thursday rolled around (the deadline for entering) that I had not planned well. I figured 2-3 days was sufficient for finishing up artwork, cutting out foam board for mounting, baking and filling out forms. What I failed to consider is just everyday life - tired girls, fussing and arguing, my big girl having a hard time deciding which picture to enter, a baby who was throwing up numerous times a day, trips to the grocery store for cake supplies we didn't have, a tired mind who tried to cut out foam board and talk on the phone at the same time...and then had to recut foam board. Yes, I should have allowed 2 weeks for this, but nevertheless, we got it all done, I was completely exhausted, but it was well worth it.

Today we go to see if we received any ribbons from our endeavors - 6 drawings, 8 photographs, 2 cakes and one jar of applesauce. Here are a few shots from last Wednesday.

(Notice the blue/green hue on Mckenna's face? Before baking she had just put on her make up)

Funny faces...







The best part...sitting down to enjoy the beaters!







I was so proud of my big girl! She pretty much baked her cake all by herself, with just minimal help from momma. She's growing up so fast.

Read more...

H2O

According to Wikipedia, "Water is the only common substance found naturally in all three common states of matter and it is essential for life on Earth." Water is also the one chemical compound we can remember from chemistry class....H2O

As promised, I want to begin posting more on the topic of grieving, as we have experienced it and what we have learned. As I've contemplated doing this, I wanted to have a subject title for all the posts that pertain to this, something that summed up my desire in them. The word that kept coming back to me and others I talked with was, HOPE. Jesus, because of what He has done for us, has hope to offer (H2O). And that hope has been living water for my soul over the past 2 years now. This hope, in the midst of life's most difficult trials and unimaginable pain, is essential for our souls and carries us on through suffering. And I know it will carry me on to the day when I'll see my little girl again.

It is my desire that these posts on grieving will highlight the gospel and the hope we have through Jesus. I'm no writer and as I've said before, am so aware that there are countless others who have suffered much more than I have. But this is my feeble effort to serve the many around me who are walking through such hard trials right now, as well as friends of those suffering.

These posts will probably be very few and far between my others. As is with everyone, life is full and crazy. And I'm now an official homeschooling mom! We started last week. I feel like I'm in a major juggling act of priorities and responsibilities. But I will write when I can and hope to include others in these posts as well.

Jesus has hope to offer us, even in the midst of tragedy, loss and pain. And in the midst of grieving that hope is water for the soul, an anchor to sustain us.

Stay tuned for more H2O posts!

Read more...

Mckenna + camera

A few day ago, Mckenna walked out the door with my camera in hand to take some pictures. She has been begging me for some time to take some pictures with my camera. I felt a little more comfortable knowing Kristen was right near by, but still a bit nervous. She had her very first spontaneous photography lesson, thanks to Kristen! Camera survived and out of almost 175 pictures a few came out not so bad.

Read more...

Trip to Pop-pops and Grandma's

Last week the girls and I headed down to my dads for a visit. The girl's have been asking for so long to go to Pop-pops and Grandmas. They get wonderfully spoiled with all their favorite foods and summer fun! My sister came down with all her 5 in toe as well. So, to say it's crazy is an understatement, but we make a lot of memories! It's non-stop for us moms and with both Addie and Wyatt not sleeping much at all and up a good part of the night, we both came back pretty exhausted. The kids had a blast.

Every day was some new and fun activity. Two of the girl's favorite things were the Pirate Ship adventure and the water park....and Selah would add presents and birthday cake (celebrating her birthday in June) from Pop-pop and Grandma. I didn't take many pictures, but here are a few from the Pirate Ship (Kelly stayed home with the babies and I went with my dad and the older kids).

The Pirate Ship adventure is pretty impressive. They dress the kids up like pirates (my girls wanted no part in that!), get their face (or hands as my girls insisted :) and give them each a Pirate name like Torrential Ty, Jumbo Shrimp June, and Kut Throat Keenan. Then they go out on a ship for an adventure...and parents get to come and watch. The kids love it!

Read more...

Tick

It seems we talk a lot about bugs around here. Yes, it's true. Amazingly enough, however, we have yet to see any deer ticks...until tonight that is. The girls were playing outside today as usual and in the afternoon I turned on the sprinkler to cool them off. It was around 9:45pm when everyone was finally tucked in bed and asleep (Addie took a long time as she was especially fussy tonight). Well, I thought everyone was asleep. Around 10:30 Selah came downstairs to start to tell me about this monster with 2 big eyes that she thought was in her room. As I leaned over to pick her up, I noticed something on her belly. Yep, an itsy bitsy tick, which I figured was a deer tick. I called Dave who was out with some friends and asked if he could come home. We talked with some experts in extracting deer ticks so we knew what to do. As Selah heard me talking on the phone she started to flip out and cry. When I got off we had a little talk while waiting for Daddy to come home:

S: (crying) Mommy, I don't want to go to the doctor...I don't want to! What is he going to do? Will it hurt?
M: You see that little bitty bug? Well, Daddy is going to come home and take him off for you. Then we have to take him to the doctor because he might be sick. And if the doctor tells us that he is sick then you might have his sickness. So, he'll give us some medicine for you.
S: Oh. So, the little bug will go to the doctors?
M: Yes. That little bug is called a "tick."
S: And he might have a sickness?
M: Yes.
S: Poor little guy!

Gotta love her love for bugs! Even extends to ticks.

Later when Dave arrived home she told him all about this little "pick" (as she called it) and that he might have a "sn"-ickness (her word for sickness). She told him she might get it, but it's ok cause the doctor will give her medicine. She had the whole plan worked out of going to bed, waking up in the morning, eating dinner (what she calls every meal), then taking him to the doctor. She told me right before we put her back to bed that she wanted to take a picture of the little "pick" in the morning.

How I love this little girl of mine! And we'll be praying this little "pick" tests negative for Lyme's.

Read more...

One huge moth

One of the things I love about our home (and I think Selah would heartily agree) is that it's on a piece of property that is just crawling with nature...literally. Selah manages to discover and find new bugs and critters every day.

Two days ago, she walked in with a moth that looked like, as Dave put it, a mouse with wings. The thing was HUGE! And it was fuzzy. She happily put it in a bag, but then let it go. Then yesterday she just happens to find it again (I keep telling myself that it was the same one and our yard is not infested with these things!) and this time held it in her bare hands, petting it, with admiration. Earlier I had cautioned her against holding it, saying I'm not sure what it would do. Then moments later comes running in with excitement to tell me, "Mom the moth is a nice moth. I put him in my hand and he didn't bite. He's a nice guy."

Read more...

Waiting

“…waiting is living through those moments when you do not understand what God is doing and you have no power to change your circumstances for the better…So much of our daily comfort comes from the fact that we are able to make sense of our circumstances… Waiting is hard for us because we tie our hearts to other glories. We so often live for the glory of human acceptance, of personal achievement, of power and position, of possessions and places, and of comfort and pleasure. So when God’s glory requires that these things be withheld from us – things we look to for identity, meaning, and purpose – we find waiting a grueling, burdensome experience. Waiting means surrendering your glory. Waiting means submitting to His glory. Waiting means understanding that you were given life and breath for the glory of another. Waiting gives you opportunity to forsake the delusion of you own glory and rest in the God of awesome glory. Only when you do that will you find what you seek, and what you were meant to have: lasting identity, meaning and purpose, and peace in Christ…”

This is what we are doing these days...waiting on the Lord in so many areas of our lives. I find it hard, very hard. Yet, even on my tear-filled days of anxiousness and weariness, I know the Lord is doing a great work in our hearts, revealing my false hopes and sins that can rob God of His glory.

Dave sent me this quote this morning. I don't think it could be improved upon. It is one I will print out and post up in my kitchen. Unfortunately, he does not know where it's from or who wrote it. If you know, please let me know.

Read more...

Bird's nest

"Mom, look what Daddy found!"

Read more...

He likes to be asked.

Dave and I have started to read The Chronicles of Narnia to the girls. It's been years since I have picked up these books and after just the first one I am reminded how much I love them. I love how Aslan is portrayed and what a wonderful picture C.S. Lewis paints for us of who God is like. I read the following portion to Mckenna yesterday and it was a sweet reminder to me of how the Lord loves to hear our prayers:

"The valley in which they had come down was in the heart of the mountains; snowy heights, one of them looking rose-red in the reflections of the sunset, towered above them.

'I am hungry,' said Digory.

'Well, tuck in,' said Fledge, taking a big mouthful of grass. Then he raised his head, still chewing and with the bits of grass sticking out on each side of his mouth like whiskers, and said, 'Come on, you two. Don't be shy. There's plenty for us all.'

'But we can't eat grass,' said Digory.

'H'm, h'm,' said Fledge, speaking with his mouth full. 'Well--h'm--don't know quite what you'll do then. Very good grass too.'

Polly and Digory stared at one another in dismay.

'Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,' said Digory.

'I'm sure Aslan would have, if you'd asked him,' said Fledge.

'Wouldn't he know without being asked?' said Polly.

'I've no doubt he would,' said the Horse (still with his mouth full). 'But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked.' "

From The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Isn't that good?!! That brief quote has been an encouragement to my soul today to bring all our needs to the throne of grace.

Read more...

Sweet Wyatt

Love this boy!

Read more...